This is how you know you’re repressing your emotions

I recently read an article by one of my favorite Thought Catalog writers, Heidi Priebe. Interestingly enough, I had not realized what the type of person I am is exactly what she laid out below.

In the marathon to get to that better life for myself, I’ve shifted the focus from really reflecting on my feelings to keeping busy, taking care of others, and putting a positive “spin” on how I’m really doing.

The result? I end up crying out of nowhere. I can watch a TV show, and in a random matter of seconds, I’ll want to scream and tear will pour out. I can talk to a friend, then need to step away because I can feel these repressed feelings erupt like volcano.

Though, Heidi’s article doesn’t tell us how to get better, she has perfectly laid out the different ways we are repressing our emotions so we can address these habits.

My biggest takeaways for my own emotional anarchy?

  1. Admit my problems are there, tap my fingers on the keyboard and start spilling the feelings on the pages.
  2. Let the winds guide me instead of controlling every event by trying to plan them so far ahead
  3. Ask and I shall receive. I can take care of others, but open the doors to let my family and friends in and take care of me from time to time.

Here’s the original post 🙂

Your life is a delicate thing

human life is such a delicate thing

As I was walking out of my apartment last Sunday, an older man pulled up on his bike by my garage elevator asking if I knew Christopher*. At first, I wasn’t sure who he was referring to, it took me nearly a while to connect he was asking for my neighbor across the hall.

“Yes, of course. I know Christopher. He’s the kind gentlemen staying across from me.”

The older tanned bicyclist then proceeded to ask if I knew that Christopher passed away about a week ago and he was here to pay his respects to his ex-wife.

Shocked with a deer in headlight moment, I was washed with sorrow as this man continued to share what had happened.

“I’m his salsa instructor. The man loved to dance,” he said looking at me through his sunglasses.

“I received a call from Christopher about a few weeks ago that he was diagnosed with pancreas cancer, then I got another call with the news he passed not long after.”

Saddened by the awful news, I sent my condolences to his friend-slash-instructor, and went on with my day.

That entire Sunday put me out of my element. Though Christopher was an elderly man, he was still rather healthy. I’ve seen him work on our Home Association Board, and on weekends I’ve seen him cleaning up our garage from the freeway debris. It felt so sudden, I could hardly process the news. It reminded me human life can be delicate. It can be volatile. It will make you happy one day as you’re sitting having dinner with your loved one, then the next you could quite possibly take your last breath.

For the past week, I’ve been terrified. What if this happens to me? Though Stage 1 is hardly harmful or fatal, could I become the unlucky ones that never saw it coming?

Without being able to shake off this incessant fear crawling on my skin, I told myself that I have to at least try to make a bigger deal out of my life as I still have it. Because I’m not a kid anymore. Life is real. Illnesses are real. I am not longer that invincible child jumping down from the monkey bars knowing if I got cut, someone would give me a bandaid. There’s no easy fix to anything once you step into adulthood. People get sick and loved ones pass.

My life, as reckless as I’ve been treating it, is a delicate thing. But what’s within my control, is how I choose to live it.

 

 

*Christopher is a pseudonym.

So where do I begin?

I found this poem maybe 7 years ago and saved it on my computer. Sharing it to the world (:

So many thoughts,

I don’t know where to begin,

I’ll start from my heart,

and what I feel within.

I still have feelings,

which haven’t changed,

because when you left me

my life was re-arranged.

I used to cry

so many times a day,

but lately those tears

have been fading away.

I am hoping that

my brighter day soon will come,

and maybe, just maybe,

I’ll find that special someone.

Yes, it’s been hard,

but I’m getting back my life,

I’ve even managed

to put away the knife.

I will find someone

who’s right for me,

who loves me

and lets me be all I can be.

Yet the thought of you and her,

is tearing me apart,

because you will always have a special place

in my broken heart.

Do I still love you?

Yes, I do,

but another part of me

is getting over you.

I never thought I would say this,

but I simply have to confess,

with each and every day that goes by,

I love you less and less.

I just wanted to be with you,

but now you’re gone,

and the time has come

for me to move on.

You meant so much to me,

in fact, you still do,

from the bottom of my heart