Where our arguments lead

We were like two ships in the night with a vast ocean separating us,

We’ll be in same sea, on the same journey but never meeting in between

a flicker in the light from your deck is all I can see,

The waves roll on swaying across the dark unknown

spilling fear and mystery,

I look to your light,

waiting and praying the flicker grows warmer and stronger, closer to mine

Alas, the storm rages on dividing our two ships with no means to an end.

Both lost,

both afraid,

and both stuck away from each other with no way back.

 

Cabin Fever? Here’s my daily routine and list of things to do!

I’m doing my part by flattening the curve and only going out for a walk to taste fresh air or pick up necessary groceries for the week.

But cabin fever is a legit problem.

Here’s how my day has been spent (literally everyday to the point where the weekends mesh and feel like weekdays).

7:13AM Wake up, scroll through my phone and check the latest on COVID-19 through twitter and various news outlets.

7:30AM Get around to peeling myself off the bed, grab a sweater to pull over and head for the kitchen to mainline that caffeine.

7:32AM This is the North Star of every morning. Beautiful brew stirred to almond milky goodness sitting on my breakfast bar while I continue to peruse through what I’ve missed while I slept.

8:30AM YOGA

9:30AM Prep my faux OOTD (cute top, yoga pants on the bottom) and do something different to my hair that makes it look combed before I’m hit with any video conferences.

10AM Switch from personal to work laptop and drill through emails like mad. Efficiency is key for me before I have my first meal at lunch. After I have food, my crank rate depreciates by half.

11AM Prep the kitchen for lunch, continue to focus on emails.

12PM Lunch time, usually coupled with a quick snack size TV content. Lately, we’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s Quick & Easy.

1(ish) but really like 1:45PM, prep to hop back online.

5(ish) wind down and prep the kitchen for dinner

6PM Dinner with a show my partner and I take seriously because night time means drama, thriller, and all that good jazz to keep me hooked.

7PM Play a round of video games with my partner until we’re too stressed out from our competitive nature. He’ll switch the game to something more mind numbing, single player, and relaxing and I’ll head to the bedroom to grab the latest read.

8:30PM Call me a grandma at not even 30, but this is the second wave of that good good. This is when I reach for my laptop to write or shuffle through my shelf ( or possibly digital Kindle backlog) for a great new adventure through words. Currently, I’m reading Laws of Human Nature and Marie Lu’s Legend Series. Sometimes I’ll read 2 sentences and I’ll be out quicker than you can blink, other times, the escapism gets real and I’m clocking in until 1230AM through an entirely new universe.

I know the next few weeks are going to be daunting. I know it’s tough for those who are more directly affected by this than me, but if you’re hit with cabin fever, here’s a list of hobbies that would be a wonderful start to living your day and not feeling like you’ve wasted it because you’re stuck at home:

  1. Adult Coloring Book – once you’re finished, you can hang them up a wall or roll them up, tie it with a string and give it to a loved one. It’s the easiest and most painless way to share a hand crafted gift. (I know knot how to knit so this is my crafty avenue- haha)
    Pro tip: If you’re of age, a nice glass of wine is the perfect pairing
  2. Level Up Your Cooking & Baking Skills– I’ve linked you to my pinterest page. I grew up thinking I would never be the scrapbooking type, yet the digital version is so fun and easy! With so much time on our hands, this is the perfect homebody hobby to try different recipes and create a list of aces to wow your friends once this quarantine is over! Pro Tip: grocery stores may intimidate you lately with the lines, out of stock and barren produce section. But I’ve found if you go to an ethnic store they’ll likely have a lot more inventory than your local Ralphs or Whole Foods and it’ll cost you a lot less.
  3. Make (metaphorical) Lemonade- Remember that old adage, “If only I had more time?”, Well now you really do! Take this opportunity to chase your dream, start your own business, learn a new language. Paralyzing yourself tuning in (or out) with Netflix, Hulu, and all the other on demand streaming services isn’t helping your situation. You’ll just feel even less alive and excited about each day, especially once you’ve finished binging Gilmore Girls again for the 5th time.
  4. Indoor Escapism: Video games are the quickest way to jump into a different reality. Luckily, timing was on our side for once and Nintendo released Animal Crossing. A Sims type of game where you runaway and live on an island. If you’ve got a PS4, I recommend this silly third person shooter: Agents of Mayhem. It’s got the vibe of GTA, but with cartoony art style and form. Every character is a wonder and the missions are super chill but fun.
  5. Reading & Writing: I went on a hiatus and the traffic to my blog is as DOA as using the term ‘on fleek’ from 2 years back today. But I’ve really found the bonus time to write more, read more and imagine more. Reading is such a great tool to help motivate me to get creative and write beyond my usual styles. Definitely reach out if you want a list of recommendations, give me your vibe and I’ll post you your next great literary adventure.

 

 

 

Fast Love

I thought it was okay for us to act so juvenile.
I thought it’s what people starting out in relationships do.

Puppy love starts out great and giddy.
First and second dates turn from bashful to exciting.
Casual dating grows quickly to mutually exclusive.

If we were both chasing love and happiness,
then the goals were clear.
No matter how many differences, we’d get there somehow.
Because the sex was animal.
The lust was ravenous.

But alas, like oil and water. You can mix and mix and mix.
Go as fast at it and as hard at it you want in the beginning,
In a matter of a short while though, the two always separate.

Because fast love isn’t real.
They’re out as quickly as they came in.
Leaving you still pulling up a bra strap, when they’ve already called a cab.

 

I attempted the 4 Hour Work Week – Part 1 Exercise and this is what happened

Everyone who’s entered the self help section at the front page of Amazon’s Popular Books has read or scrolled past the 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. 

It was a magical journey to envision a life where with no distractions, you dive into a 4 hours of work per week and spend the rest…well, sipping MaiTais on a beach somewhere on the coast of a sunny city.

That fantasy is drastically short-lived the moment you finish the book and discover the exercises he’s listed out require a lot of calculations, research, and time.

My first attempt left me feeling like I should’ve started a year ago but continue to reflect back to these notes to remind myself of the end goal. Now the 4 hour work week may not work for everyone (some jobs actually do require us to be there the full 8 hours a day, 5 days a week). However, Ferriss will compel you to really dig into where we want to be TODAY, TOMORROW and future and how to get there by thinking smarter and starting NOW. I put the emphasis on ‘today and tomorrow’ because thinking about one day for us will only allow us to feel as though we can push it to be done another day instead of really starting literally NOW.

Here’s my attempt at the first exercise, and I will tell you, it motivated me. At the end of the day, thats what we really want to achieve right? ‘Getting past the starting point and feeling motivated to push through’

D is of Definition

Rules That Change the Rules Q&A

  1. How has being “realist” or responsible” kept you from the life you want?
    • I honestly found it challenging to address this. Asking myself if this is the life I want. I’m perfectly content with what I have but I guess that’s not what the question is digging for. My responsibilities have squandered my ability to travel the world. Being a realist has terrified me in traveling alone.
    • Starting a business or taking over the family business puts a fear inside of me that I’ve been running away from. It’s the common: “what if I fail cliche.”
  2. How has doing what you “should” resulted in subpar experiences or regret for not having done something else?
    • I’ve decided to not travel out of obligation to work and family.
    • I’ve felt responsible for my mother so I’ve taken out more of my time and funds to take care of her and my grandmother.
    • I’ve had too much overhead to allow myself to discover new things outside of routine and dedicate more time with hobbies and pursuing other careers that could offer financial freedom.
  3. Look at what you’re currently doing and ask yourself “What would happen if I did the opposite of the people around me? What will I sacrifice if I continue on this track for 5, 10, or 20 years?”
    • Sacrificing the peak of my youth, throwing it away chained to a desk or hiding in fear of failure.

Dodging Bullets:

  1. Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering.
    • I could lose a shit ton of money
    • I could fail
    • I could waste sleepless days and nights, the one thing no one is richer than the other with: time.
    • People would call me a failure
    • My family would look down on me
    • Social circle would laugh at my downfall
  2. What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the upswing, even if temporarily?
    • Re-strategize and re-brand.
    • Ask for help
    • If above 2 do not make it, liquidate & find new opportunities. Life is too short beating a dead horse after the second attempt in checking for signs of life.
  3. What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios?
    • I could bee my own boss bitch
    • I would be liberated to my own hours. Time would be fluid yet daunting.
  4. If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control?
    • I’d start budgeting my rainy day funds and finding the best possible way for maximum amount of time I could fare without having anything re-po’d.
    • I would immediately look for a night job and spend the day working on my passion: either to polish my writing or work on biz dev.
  5. What are you putting off out of fear?
    • My current quality of life
    • overhead I need, responsibilities for other humans
  6. What is it costing you- financially, emotionally, and physically- to postpone action?
    • Financially: wealth is measured in lots of ways, in this particular, I wouldn’t know. It depends on possible projections
    • Emotionally: lots of terrifying excitement and anxiety with my ever ticking age
    • Physical: lack of prime phase in my life to traverse in uncharted waters
  7. What are you waiting for?
    • dare I say it? A sign, a fire under my ass. I’m not sure. I’ve fallen into the comfortable couch most call, “complacency.”

System Rest:

  1. What would you do if there were no way you could fail? If you were 10 times smarter than the rest of the world?
    • 1. Finish my many different stories bubbling and expanding in my imagination
      • market the hell out of it and create a franchise and licensing arm behind the characters
      • find a philanthropy to collaborate with
    • 2. Learn a new language in a year
    • 3. Tour Europe before I’m 30.
    • 4. Start my own thing before I hit 30.
    • 5. Move to a new city
  2. Drawing a blank?
    • n/a
  3. What does “being” entail doing?
    • I honestly dont know yet
  4. What are the four dreams that would change it all?
    • Quit my day job and continue to read/write
    • Move to a city that doesn’t have high living costs and a stressful lifestyle
    • Buy a larger house that offers a wider dining hall and spacious kitchen
    • Start a smaller business or franchise and dedicate my all to see it succeed.
  5. Determine the cost of these dreams and calculate your Target Monthly Income for both timelines.
    • Min 35K a year is needed to quit day job but survive and eat while paying for my mortgage
    • Moving to a city isn’t an option in my current timeline with friends, family and partner
    • Min 120K for down payment to a larger house, meaning I’ll need to save at least $10k per month to get there in one year which isn’t feasible since I dont even make 10k per month currently. To stretch that further, I could save $5k a month for 2 years to get to that amount but the sacrifice would then be a very lean diet and even leaner lifestyle.
    • Even thinking about opening a smaller business makes me perspire. Where do i start? What industry? What product? How much research in market analysis? What’s the current overhead and investment starting amount? How lucrative will it be? When will I be net positive?
      • Just jotting down the anxieties give me more anxiety, but again, Ferris provides us with these exercises to get us started.

I’m not looking for the 4 hour work week. I’m not antsy to get myself there next month or even next year. But reading the book and the exercises it provides is enough practice to motivate me to start thinking about a different financial freedom. One that will actually free myself

What we’re like to be in pain

It is so easy to feel bad for yourself
To wallow in self pity about everything that is wrong in your life and blame external factors for it

To feel as though an injustice was placed on you,
and you yourself is singled out to be worse off than everyone else.

It is so easy isn’t it ?
To listen to sad music and relate to the heartbreaking vocals
To sit outside watching rainfall while you light one up
To ponder at the same sky we all do and ask, “why me?”

When we’re at our worst, nothing feels better but hurting ourselves further
Testing our pain threshold more
Gauge how much more we can take.
Marinate in pain and sorrow.
Feeling sorry for ourselves.

It’s so wrong but feels so right to hurt

If I’m already in pain, what’s a little more ?

Read More. Believe More – Here’s my 2019 list of greats I will read.

Is it so terribly wrong that I’m already starting my reading list for 2019 when I’m still behind on finishing the last two for this year?

I got so excited with the list I have that I’ve just been researching, researching until I fell into this rabbit hole of anecdotal discovery.

  1. The Lessons of History 
    • What are the possibilities of humanity? Where did it start and where does the potential go? Questions I believe we should all ponder as we look to past generations and hope for new.
  2. The Sun and Her Flowers – Rupi Kaur
    • I received this for Christmas and finished it before the clock struck twelve on the 26th. It’s a great follow up novel to Milk & Honey. If you love soft poetry colored with beautiful personification, grab it off the shelf and read it to your beloved.
  3. Laws of Human Nature
    • Robert Greene’s latest that I aim to finish right ater art of seduction
  4. The Art of Seduction
    • a classic Robert Greene providing historical figure’s tools and devices in realizing charm
  5. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind
    • If you haven’t heard about this book, you haven’t been in the literary world recently. Praised by Captain America himself, Chris Evans shared that we must all understand our roots and how it lead our people (all people) to where we are today. I haven’t finished this just yet but I do want to share, this is what our grade school teachers should have taught in history class.
  6. The Decaying Pillars by Steve Ruygrok
    • I know a published author! Proud to be a coworker of his, Steve Ruygrok dropped of this book for me to read before beta reading his next novel.
  7. Herstory: 50 Women and Girls who shook up the world
    • Women lead. Women breathe life. Women are just as important as the men we remember from history. So why aren’t they on a pedestal as much as the great men? Let’s honor the women who long ago have broken the glass ceiling before Sheryl Sandberg.
  8. East of Eden
    • This is a hefty read but who doesn’t love a John Steinbeck classic?
  9. #GirlBoss
    • Sophia Amoruso is a special kind of person. She breaks all the rules and rebels with every bone in her body. I idolize her intrinsic nature to lead, mix personal style with passion and drive to help other women strive for what they deem as success.
  10. The Golden Compass
    • This is a must purely because I received the collection (#11, #12 below as well) as a christmas gift more than 2 years ago now.
  11. The Subtle Knife
  12. The Amber SpyGlass
  13. An absent mind
    • alzheimer’s touches me deeply with it taken my grandfather not long ago. This story follows a man’s struggle with the disease and the effect to his family in the final days.
  14. Getting to Know Gen Z .pdf
    • I feel old when Gen Z is the major topic of discussion and no longer the “entitled” millennials. I will say after finishing this PDF earlier this month, it made me realize the affects my parents had in raising me with a “can do” attitude and how it lead my generation to come off as “entitled.” Gen Z is the safer generation learning from the failures of mine and reaching further than my cohorts did in fighting for their beliefs. Not just racial, gender, and sexual orientation equality but also a long winded battle for environmental conservation, social imprint in bringing people together and much more. They have a louder voice than we did and it makes me so happy, we’re all leaning in and learning from generations younger than ourselves.
  15. The Autobiography of Malcom X
    • this was a recommendation and I honestly haven’t researched much.
  16. Michelle Obama’s Becoming
    • Top seller towards end of 2018, Michelle Obama is a powerhouse but continues to spread kindness.
  17. The Power by Naomi Alderman
    • What would happen if young women had superpowers balancing the status quo between genders? Will there be a shift in the superior gender juxtaposed to what it is now IRL? I’m curious to read
  18. On Writing by Stephen King
  19. Unlimited Memory: How to Use Advanced Learning Strategies to Learn Faster, Remember More and be More Productive

  20. The Day the World Came to Town
    • Come from Away, the Tony award winning musical guided me to understanding what I could not comprehend at age 11 when 9/11 had happened. I was 4 years into arriving on American soil, still picking up the English language when my 6th grade teacher made us all stand staring at the TV showing the planes flying into the Twin Towers. The Day the World Came to Town is a tribute to the kindness in others when the US needed it the most. Newfies (the locals in Newfoundland) took in the stranded for 5 days and showed a kindness I never thought could exist. We all think of how crude this world can be, but here was a pocket of land where people only shared kindness. It’s right there, above where we live and we just need to adopt that same philosophy. Help those in need, spread love and kindness, and give hope where we can. We’re all brothers and sisters to the land Mother Nature gave us, so why do draw lines on a map dividing each other?
  21. Crazy Rich Asians
    • For the light hearted who want nothing but hilarity and couture mixed with of course much needed old school Chinese tradition.

I used to think you were my forever

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine

There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered

Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together

You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water

Forever
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond

But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist

It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water

My 5 Year Plan

So imagine grabbing a latte with an old acquaintance. Almost always, this is how the conversation starts out:

What have you been up to?

How is your relationship going?

How’s work?

These common 3 “small-talk” ice breakers are everything I dread about going out to see a friend I haven’t connected with in a few months.

The next question I absolutely resent people for even bringing up is, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

The younger me (okay so last year) would have mouthed off something to my interrogator and stood up on a soap box preaching the futility behind this inquiry. Partially for the below reasons:

  1. There’s science behind those who talk too much about their goals and never achieving it. So it’s better to keep tightlipped until the deed has been done. What’s the awesome term for this? Oh yes, hubris.
  2. Most people use this to evaluate what my priorities are. If I’m on a date for example, and I say I’d like to become director in the next 5 years, the other person would assume I’m too career focused. If I say, marriage, they probably would have bolted for their car on our first date.
  3. A real goal feels too intimate to share with anyone. I rather not have my secret hopes and dreams passed on, then having them tell their cohorts, thus creating our entire social circle focusing on my foreseeable future at tea time.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

So here’s my 5 year plan. The goals I hope to achieve that aren’t wasted on defining who I am by who I will be bound to, or what desk I’ll be chained to, or which professional title to brand me for the new few years. My goals in life transcend beyond the mundane.

Year 1: Fill my brain with beautiful stories – as many books as I can possibly read

Year 2: Master flexibility outside the physical entity of my being

Year 3: Understand the value of success is more than the digits in my bank account

Year 4: Observe and indulge in other cultures. Distance away from the routine provides fresh perspective

Year 5: Persevere through all things that pass through my way and continue spreading positivity

This is what I want to discover in the next 5 years. Career or love life… they’re just small percentages of our daily life and yet we attribute way too much in both. There’s more to our existence than how we make our fun coupons and who we choose to spend it with.