Loneliness in a Relationship

You made me feel like I lived a very lonely life. I felt alone most of the time- even surrounded by friends. When I was with you, there was a part of me that no longer wished to be with you. I questioned myself why at the time but didn’t understand it until now.

3 months post breakup and I’m finally getting to know myself. The person I should’ve been watching out for. In these 3 months I’ve filled it with so many great memories from traveling to the east coast to celebrate my birthday to going out more with people I rarely would ever dream of going out with.

I was itching to run, but at the time I felt so dependent on you. Maybe it wasn’t you who held me captive in the relationship but myself for not being strong enough to move on long after the ship had already sailed.

I was lonely IN our relationship because you didn’t care about me. You said you did, but your actions didn’t. All the times we were hanging out, it was on your terms. Your video games. Your VR set. Your friends because you didn’t like MY friends.

You liked to stay up late watching stupid adult cartoons, so I always went to bed alone. I woke up earlier in the day since I’m a morning person and had coffee while I read. We wouldn’t say hello until 3 hours after the fact. Then I’d be hungry for lunch but you’ve just started your day and wanted your “alone” time to smoke weed and go on reddit.

Reflecting back on the two and half years I spent with this routine, I’ve learned to never compromise my weekends again. Those four walls confined me for so long that I settled. I lost the will to go out and explore novel things. I got so used to the quiet and the same insane thing over and over again that I lost my voice to speak up because I simply just gave up.

Then I met someone. He doesn’t mean a single thing to me – I barely even know him. But we have fun. We talk about work, hobbies… interests…

….then he holds me to sleep at night.

Something you’ve never done. The excuse was always you’re not comfortable and that you wanted to sleep.

I wake up in his arms.

Something that’s never happened to us.

I wake up in his arms every time we sleep on the same bed.

How can someone so new

..already fit better than you?

 

 

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Post Breakup Coffee & Me

Then i found myself going back to the old habits.

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling

everything went back to the way it was, except I felt emptier. Though a part of me came back and I missed the old me so much, I felt as though it wasn’t quite right anymore.

Like a chapter had been ripped out of a favorite old book.

For the longest time, I sat staring at the screen and mind numbingly passing post after post but felt nothing.

For I came back, but I lost my heart.

The breakup changed me, but it changed me for the better. I built strength in my character through the tears he made me shed. I grew wiser from the self loathing when we would fight until graveyard hours.

It’ll be a long while before I let someone in again, but I will over time. That’s the beauty of how resilient we can be when it comes to love. You’ll go back to the same routine you had with your life before you met him. Then one day, you’ll find another who’s heart beats the same rhythm. The one who’ll break down the walls and guarded heart.

Until then,

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling.

I’m back where I’ve always been. And I missed the old me so much.

 

 

[5] reasons he’s your Mr. Wrong

What makes him the Mr. Wrong in all the right ways? Here’s the telltale list:

  1. Everything about him is yummylicious, he has no flaws. His hair, his chiseled bod, his cute cute smile when he looks at you, and most of all his playfulness in which you already know deep down there’s an expiration date on this relationship you have with this manchild. If he has no flaws, you’re clearly at a stage where you’re blinded by his twinkling Edward Cullen skin and thousand watt smile. It’s okay to notice flaws and accept them. But if you’re telling all your gal pals at brunch that this dude is 100% flawless… check yourself before you wreck yourself. At one point, he’ll fall off the pedestal and you’ll be hurt by how much you were blinded.
  2. You want the limited supply. You know you really shouldn’t like him because he rarely ever replies back and when he does, he just seems aloof- all the more reasons for you to want him more, right? We never want the surplus of resources now do we? We’re always coveting something when it’s “limited.” It’s crazy how much we analyze a mere text. Ask him, “hang out later?” and he replies, “Yeah hit me up.” Cue the mind going bonkers with: “No smiley face… is he not interested?!” Or “Okay, he replied back in less than 10 minutes, he must be into me” or “Does he really mean for me to call him? Should I wait until he calls?”
  3. Making plans and flaking. Errr, red alert! If a true man, (not a fuckboy) made plans to see you, he’d follow through. I get the personal emergencies that could arise but if he’s making plans with you and flaking more than a few times, you know you’re not a priority. I don’t care how adorable those dimples are! You deserve someone who would put you in the priority you deserve. If you’re blocking out your schedule to spend time with him, then he should be doing the same. Don’t be an option!
  4. The Chameleon Paradigm. Do not forget the person you are. I’m sure we’ve all done this at one point in our lives. I’ll be frank, there was once a crush I wanted to impress so bad, I even added Facebook likes to something he’d be into as well. (Lame, I know, but at least I’m woman enough to admit it) Just because he loves loves loves watching basketball, does not mean you should be studying up on J.R. Smith’s draft history. He should like you for the differences that make you unique. So if he admires Game of Thrones, it doesn’t mean you should watch the first 6 seasons in one week so you two have something to talk about. He’ll have his friends for that. If you find yourself changing your spots to make him like you better… you’ve already fallen prey to what I call the Chameleon Paradigm.
  5. The shoe just doesn’t seem to fit. No matter what, there’s always a question in your mind whether to trust him or whether he’s right for you. The allure in the mystery is what keeps you interested, but is that really what you want? Stop trying to piece something together if there’s always a missing piece. Fact of the matter is, the pieces you hold won’t fit because he’s not the right puzzle.

If you can relate- pump the brakes. Look at yourself in the rear view mirror and just stop. Stop freaking out. Stop overanalyzing. If it feels so frustrating now, are you sure this is what you want to continue on with? When it’s right, and trust me, this is going to take time and age, you’ll be less anxious and more happy.

Your life is a delicate thing

human life is such a delicate thing

As I was walking out of my apartment last Sunday, an older man pulled up on his bike by my garage elevator asking if I knew Christopher*. At first, I wasn’t sure who he was referring to, it took me nearly a while to connect he was asking for my neighbor across the hall.

“Yes, of course. I know Christopher. He’s the kind gentlemen staying across from me.”

The older tanned bicyclist then proceeded to ask if I knew that Christopher passed away about a week ago and he was here to pay his respects to his ex-wife.

Shocked with a deer in headlight moment, I was washed with sorrow as this man continued to share what had happened.

“I’m his salsa instructor. The man loved to dance,” he said looking at me through his sunglasses.

“I received a call from Christopher about a few weeks ago that he was diagnosed with pancreas cancer, then I got another call with the news he passed not long after.”

Saddened by the awful news, I sent my condolences to his friend-slash-instructor, and went on with my day.

That entire Sunday put me out of my element. Though Christopher was an elderly man, he was still rather healthy. I’ve seen him work on our Home Association Board, and on weekends I’ve seen him cleaning up our garage from the freeway debris. It felt so sudden, I could hardly process the news. It reminded me human life can be delicate. It can be volatile. It will make you happy one day as you’re sitting having dinner with your loved one, then the next you could quite possibly take your last breath.

For the past week, I’ve been terrified. What if this happens to me? Though Stage 1 is hardly harmful or fatal, could I become the unlucky ones that never saw it coming?

Without being able to shake off this incessant fear crawling on my skin, I told myself that I have to at least try to make a bigger deal out of my life as I still have it. Because I’m not a kid anymore. Life is real. Illnesses are real. I am no longer that invincible child jumping down from the monkey bars knowing if I got cut, someone would give me a bandaid. There’s no easy fix to anything once you step into adulthood. People get sick and loved ones pass.

My life, as reckless as I’ve been treating it, is a delicate thing. But what’s within my control, is how I choose to live it.

 

 

*Christopher is a pseudonym.

“but some part of it will always not feel right”

I was trying to explain to her what she could not grasp.

I wasn’t unhappy in my relationship by any means, maybe just stuck in a conundrum.

“It’s like there’s a bottle and a cap, and no matter how I try to screw on the cap, it doesn’t seem to fit perfectly –

It still functions as a bottle in that the cap screws on and nothing will spill out nor would anything fall in. The bottle still works, but some part of it will always not feel right.”

That was the best way for me to explain my conundrum.

6AM

6am is my favorite time of the day. The world actually comes to a halt. Flurries of emails haven’t stormed my phone. Streets haven’t been stacked with cars armed for swerving battles. The day is open and quiet. My mind has a small snippet of tranquility.

The timer on my coffee machine sets off and gorgeous brewing amber races for my mug. The scent fogs my living room while the sun barely peeks out yawning and stretching its sunshine through the clouds.

My keyboard readies itself to create symphonies. The flickering line in an open doc waiting for today’s rhythm to start. I lightly place my fingers above and start to type; spilling feelings, rage, characters with unimaginable valor, and pasts with wounded scars.

My mind is clear and hopeful that for the next 24 hours maybe just maybe… my life and the stories I create have a chance of something new, something great, and something memorable. 

6am is my favorite time of day.

Dedicated this to you…

I had written this two years ago, on Jan 30, 2015, as a dedication to a good friend of mine.

I can be mad at the world for a hundred million thousand things

I can cry and punch like a child; screaming that it’s not fair

But no one ever prepares you for the news you hear at the dinner table one day

the sound of her tongue putting together the words you never thought possible

at least not in your naive world

not in the world you grew up where sunflowers smelled like kindergarten

where music brought you to the stage with your parents sitting first row at your piano recital.

no, you will never be prepared for it.

I wasn’t last year when a friend was diagnosed with stage 4.

and I definitely wasn’t sitting next to her at the dinner table facing her with all the strength I have left to be brave for her… and for us…

It’s not fair someone so close to me has to endure this kind of pain. Doesn’t matter at what stage- cancer is cancer. But we’ll get through this together.

You are my olive theory. You are my soul mate.

Nothing in this world could rip away the strings that attach me to you. We are one and we will fight every single rogue cell until you are better again.

l | ephant

 

At the end of last year, I had gotten my annual physical.

Normal. Routine check up.

Except not.

Two weeks ago the tests came back that I had abnormalities in my cells. Almost same situation my friend had. I remember the morning I opened the email from my doctor to schedule an immediate follow up for a more thorough examination. Sitting at my desk at work, tears rushing out of my eyes and face swelling up, I could barely contain the emotions pouring out of me. For those of you who’ve been following me since I started my blog, I wanted to share the truth behind why I felt the need to post. This blog is an avenue for me to express what I cannot share with others yet. The anonymity of it all- to share my thoughts and challenges in life, created something harmonizing within me. I can speak about it without getting overly emotional instead of sharing with my loved ones and fearing their concerns. I can comfort myself and share with others my confusion and pain; expressing gratitude for what I have now until I find out more.

The beauty of sharing to no one but in end, everyone.