Loneliness in a Relationship

You made me feel like I lived a very lonely life. I felt alone most of the time- even surrounded by friends. When I was with you, there was a part of me that no longer wished to be with you. I questioned myself why at the time but didn’t understand it until now.

3 months post breakup and I’m finally getting to know myself. The person I should’ve been watching out for. In these 3 months I’ve filled it with so many great memories from traveling to the east coast to celebrate my birthday to going out more with people I rarely would ever dream of going out with.

I was itching to run, but at the time I felt so dependent on you. Maybe it wasn’t you who held me captive in the relationship but myself for not being strong enough to move on long after the ship had already sailed.

I was lonely IN our relationship because you didn’t care about me. You said you did, but your actions didn’t. All the times we were hanging out, it was on your terms. Your video games. Your VR set. Your friends because you didn’t like MY friends.

You liked to stay up late watching stupid adult cartoons, so I always went to bed alone. I woke up earlier in the day since I’m a morning person and had coffee while I read. We wouldn’t say hello until 3 hours after the fact. Then I’d be hungry for lunch but you’ve just started your day and wanted your “alone” time to smoke weed and go on reddit.

Reflecting back on the two and half years I spent with this routine, I’ve learned to never compromise my weekends again. Those four walls confined me for so long that I settled. I lost the will to go out and explore novel things. I got so used to the quiet and the same insane thing over and over again that I lost my voice to speak up because I simply just gave up.

Then I met someone. He doesn’t mean a single thing to me – I barely even know him. But we have fun. We talk about work, hobbies… interests…

….then he holds me to sleep at night.

Something you’ve never done. The excuse was always you’re not comfortable and that you wanted to sleep.

I wake up in his arms.

Something that’s never happened to us.

I wake up in his arms every time we sleep on the same bed.

How can someone so new

..already fit better than you?

 

 

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Clipped Wings

We were always good friends. He would be the available 1 AM number I’d fumble with my fingers when some guy broke my heart again. I would be the morning call he made after another chick has turn out to be typical manipulative psycho. We would schedule plans to see movies after the 9 to 5 daily grind. This was us. And we worked perfectly this way.

Even when we were single, we were always just more than friends but less than lovers. This flirtationship- well it’s a totally made up word for what I have with him- was some void I filled for myself until I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into my self-deprecation. I started picking up hints of my own ugly jealousy implode when he talked about other girls. The feeling churned my insides as I ignored every sign. He soon began to appear everywhere. When I saw a character on TV with the same name, my ears perked up and my mind swarmed with thoughts of him. This is madness I’d tell myself. But I couldn’t fool anyone. I had started to see him more than just my 1AM comfort.

It was Tuesday night and the sky was lit up with sparkling Christmas lights ready for the festive season. We walked to a local pub and sat down at a small round table just for two in the center. We talked all night long until the bartender came around for last call. I loved having him during the graveyard hours. He would discuss his hopes, his future, and reflect on his damaged past while I listened and gave my slight input; fascinated with each word he spoke.

“If you could describe me as anything, what would I be?” he asked with his head resting on his left hand as he looked up at me.

I giggled, “What? Um… okay. Let me think…”

“A Pirate.” I finally answered.

He gave me a bewildered look, “Go on. Why?”

“Cause you’re always out in search of that perfect Pirate’s booty!”

We both laughed at my witty remark. I caught him tilting his head back as he chuckled at my response. Then I continued, “Okay, okay being totally serious. You are always out there looking for your ultimate prized possession; that fine piece of precious treasure that matches you perfectly. But you seem to always get off course. You end up falling prey like any other man to the sirens during your voyage. They appear through the glistening waters like gorgeous mysterious creatures, but underneath that layer of beauty, they’re nothing but vicious devils.”

He looked so intrigued at my tale. “So, what are you then?”

I took in his question with a quiet sigh. “Me…? Well, I’m just a phoenix. Rare, eccentric, once liberated but now my wings are clipped.”

“How so?” He asked me with a tired yet sincere look in his eyes.

Disregarding his sudden response, I went on with my tale, “I sit on top of that pirate’s shoulder, providing him with support and guidance. You know, like those annoying parrots do. But we’re different. I’m that rare bird you so heavily confide in. We’ll be like best pals setting sail on an adventure and braving through perilous storms together.”

I stared up to the ceiling imagining what our journey would be like. Then, I faked some bullshit weak smile at him to top the end of my fairy tale.

That night, we parted ways and as I sat in the taxi looking out at the reflection of the diamond sky paved on the car window. I gave in to a somber smile reminiscing our shared laughs.

I knew in my head that being a small supporting role in his story meant more to me than not even existent in his life at all. I felt trapped. For it seems, I could not live without this pirate anymore. He was the grin I had on my face when I drank my morning coffee remembering how caffeine doesn’t faze him. He’s become the glow I have anticipating all day long at work of our dinners on Tuesday nights.

Yeah, I felt trapped even though I was just a small character in his life.

These clipped wings will be the death of me, but it’s worth every single wave I ride along.

The new love trend: Love Bombing

Back in my first couple years post college, I would literally not have anything to do at work and constantly end up falling back to Elite Daily. Now? Given my busy 11 hour work schedule, I get ED newsletter subscriptions curated to select the top articles for that week.

This week, in particular, a post really carved in my stomach and pulled out my gut.

Love Bombing– the new love trend. So first there was ghosting, then breadcrumbing (seriously WTF?) and now there’s LOVE BOMBING. So what the living hell is this?

Taken from Elite Daily: Love bombing is a form of romantic manipulation in which your partner showers you with love from the get-go, only to have things go south fast, according to the New York Post.

Psychiatrist Dale Archer explained in a Psychology Today post that this happens when someone tries to win your affection by showering you with “love, attention, presents and promises about the future.”

Why the sudden urge to punch myself in the throat?

Well, I never knew there was a term for the same cycle I fall into with well, almost every person I think I’m falling for.

They always over-promise, under deliver.

They always shower with so much attention you’re about to drown in their TLC, like it’s waterfall. (yes I went there)

Based on the extended article from Psychology Today, it seems the love bomber is an insecure manipulator that just wants to make themselves seem like a great catch.

First, wow. What a reality check for me.

Second, dear god. This is the REAL fuck boy!! Fuckboys get so much hate for barely texting back, flaking, cute man buns, grungy beards, and massive flirting but at least they don’t swear by a future with you 3 minutes after meeting you and tell you you’re the one.

Lesson learned. Stay the F away from Love Bombers and take things slower…

Shit, can’t tell which one is easier to work on between the two.

The nights you stay awake

It’s the fantasy of what could be, that pushed you over the edge.

the almost lover that rendered perfect in your eyes,

the almost friend that you pictured holding hands with until the very hands weakened with time,

the almost man you thought could save you

So you hold on to a picture perfect image of what could be

and on that string dangled in front of you was a dream you struggled to face with reality

the invisible knot you twisted to connect him to you,

nothing but a silly imagination that drove you to insanity.

 

This is what falling for you feels like

My heart’s never pounded so fast,

nor has it ever felt this empty.

My tongue’s never tasted so dry,

nor has it been so thirsty for another.

My head’s never been so tormented,

nor have I ever thought I’d be so happy with being so smitten.

This conundrum I have is both liberating and suffocating.

This is how I endure puppy love.

The silly moments where I am lost in lust

but found in love.

 

[5] reasons he’s your Mr. Wrong

What makes him the Mr. Wrong in all the right ways? Here’s the telltale list:

  1. Everything about him is yummylicious, he has no flaws. His hair, his chiseled bod, his cute cute smile when he looks at you, and most of all his playfulness in which you already know deep down there’s an expiration date on this relationship you have with this manchild. If he has no flaws, you’re clearly at a stage where you’re blinded by his twinkling Edward Cullen skin and thousand watt smile. It’s okay to notice flaws and accept them. But if you’re telling all your gal pals at brunch that this dude is 100% flawless… check yourself before you wreck yourself. At one point, he’ll fall off the pedestal and you’ll be hurt by how much you were blinded.
  2. You want the limited supply. You know you really shouldn’t like him because he rarely ever replies back and when he does, he just seems aloof- all the more reasons for you to want him more, right? We never want the surplus of resources now do we? We’re always coveting something when it’s “limited.” It’s crazy how much we analyze a mere text. Ask him, “hang out later?” and he replies, “Yeah hit me up.” Cue the mind going bonkers with: “No smiley face… is he not interested?!” Or “Okay, he replied back in less than 10 minutes, he must be into me” or “Does he really mean for me to call him? Should I wait until he calls?”
  3. Making plans and flaking. Errr, red alert! If a true man, (not a fuckboy) made plans to see you, he’d follow through. I get the personal emergencies that could arise but if he’s making plans with you and flaking more than a few times, you know you’re not a priority. I don’t care how adorable those dimples are! You deserve someone who would put you in the priority you deserve. If you’re blocking out your schedule to spend time with him, then he should be doing the same. Don’t be an option!
  4. The Chameleon Paradigm. Do not forget the person you are. I’m sure we’ve all done this at one point in our lives. I’ll be frank, there was once a crush I wanted to impress so bad, I even added Facebook likes to something he’d be into as well. (Lame, I know, but at least I’m woman enough to admit it) Just because he loves loves loves watching basketball, does not mean you should be studying up on J.R. Smith’s draft history. He should like you for the differences that make you unique. So if he admires Game of Thrones, it doesn’t mean you should watch the first 6 seasons in one week so you two have something to talk about. He’ll have his friends for that. If you find yourself changing your spots to make him like you better… you’ve already fallen prey to what I call the Chameleon Paradigm.
  5. The shoe just doesn’t seem to fit. No matter what, there’s always a question in your mind whether to trust him or whether he’s right for you. The allure in the mystery is what keeps you interested, but is that really what you want? Stop trying to piece something together if there’s always a missing piece. Fact of the matter is, the pieces you hold won’t fit because he’s not the right puzzle.

If you can relate- pump the brakes. Look at yourself in the rear view mirror and just stop. Stop freaking out. Stop overanalyzing. If it feels so frustrating now, are you sure this is what you want to continue on with? When it’s right, and trust me, this is going to take time and age, you’ll be less anxious and more happy.

Fall Leaves Gathered and Laughed

Learned what unconditional love was when I found myself in the same detrimental state. Constantly making up bullshit excuses for your actions because I thought you were it. My person.

The love of my freaking life.

I started making up pro and cons trying to prove you out weighed anything else that mattered. 

Fall leaves gathered and laughed at my blinded sunshine, reminding me that though seasons change, people don’t.