Where our arguments lead

We were like two ships in the night with a vast ocean separating us,

We’ll be in same sea, on the same journey but never meeting in between

a flicker in the light from your deck is all I can see,

The waves roll on swaying across the dark unknown

spilling fear and mystery,

I look to your light,

waiting and praying the flicker grows warmer and stronger, closer to mine

Alas, the storm rages on dividing our two ships with no means to an end.

Both lost,

both afraid,

and both stuck away from each other with no way back.

 

Read More. Believe More – Here’s my 2019 list of greats I will read.

Is it so terribly wrong that I’m already starting my reading list for 2019 when I’m still behind on finishing the last two for this year?

I got so excited with the list I have that I’ve just been researching, researching until I fell into this rabbit hole of anecdotal discovery.

  1. The Lessons of History 
    • What are the possibilities of humanity? Where did it start and where does the potential go? Questions I believe we should all ponder as we look to past generations and hope for new.
  2. The Sun and Her Flowers – Rupi Kaur
    • I received this for Christmas and finished it before the clock struck twelve on the 26th. It’s a great follow up novel to Milk & Honey. If you love soft poetry colored with beautiful personification, grab it off the shelf and read it to your beloved.
  3. Laws of Human Nature
    • Robert Greene’s latest that I aim to finish right ater art of seduction
  4. The Art of Seduction
    • a classic Robert Greene providing historical figure’s tools and devices in realizing charm
  5. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind
    • If you haven’t heard about this book, you haven’t been in the literary world recently. Praised by Captain America himself, Chris Evans shared that we must all understand our roots and how it lead our people (all people) to where we are today. I haven’t finished this just yet but I do want to share, this is what our grade school teachers should have taught in history class.
  6. The Decaying Pillars by Steve Ruygrok
    • I know a published author! Proud to be a coworker of his, Steve Ruygrok dropped of this book for me to read before beta reading his next novel.
  7. Herstory: 50 Women and Girls who shook up the world
    • Women lead. Women breathe life. Women are just as important as the men we remember from history. So why aren’t they on a pedestal as much as the great men? Let’s honor the women who long ago have broken the glass ceiling before Sheryl Sandberg.
  8. East of Eden
    • This is a hefty read but who doesn’t love a John Steinbeck classic?
  9. #GirlBoss
    • Sophia Amoruso is a special kind of person. She breaks all the rules and rebels with every bone in her body. I idolize her intrinsic nature to lead, mix personal style with passion and drive to help other women strive for what they deem as success.
  10. The Golden Compass
    • This is a must purely because I received the collection (#11, #12 below as well) as a christmas gift more than 2 years ago now.
  11. The Subtle Knife
  12. The Amber SpyGlass
  13. An absent mind
    • alzheimer’s touches me deeply with it taken my grandfather not long ago. This story follows a man’s struggle with the disease and the effect to his family in the final days.
  14. Getting to Know Gen Z .pdf
    • I feel old when Gen Z is the major topic of discussion and no longer the “entitled” millennials. I will say after finishing this PDF earlier this month, it made me realize the affects my parents had in raising me with a “can do” attitude and how it lead my generation to come off as “entitled.” Gen Z is the safer generation learning from the failures of mine and reaching further than my cohorts did in fighting for their beliefs. Not just racial, gender, and sexual orientation equality but also a long winded battle for environmental conservation, social imprint in bringing people together and much more. They have a louder voice than we did and it makes me so happy, we’re all leaning in and learning from generations younger than ourselves.
  15. The Autobiography of Malcom X
    • this was a recommendation and I honestly haven’t researched much.
  16. Michelle Obama’s Becoming
    • Top seller towards end of 2018, Michelle Obama is a powerhouse but continues to spread kindness.
  17. The Power by Naomi Alderman
    • What would happen if young women had superpowers balancing the status quo between genders? Will there be a shift in the superior gender juxtaposed to what it is now IRL? I’m curious to read
  18. On Writing by Stephen King
  19. Unlimited Memory: How to Use Advanced Learning Strategies to Learn Faster, Remember More and be More Productive

  20. The Day the World Came to Town
    • Come from Away, the Tony award winning musical guided me to understanding what I could not comprehend at age 11 when 9/11 had happened. I was 4 years into arriving on American soil, still picking up the English language when my 6th grade teacher made us all stand staring at the TV showing the planes flying into the Twin Towers. The Day the World Came to Town is a tribute to the kindness in others when the US needed it the most. Newfies (the locals in Newfoundland) took in the stranded for 5 days and showed a kindness I never thought could exist. We all think of how crude this world can be, but here was a pocket of land where people only shared kindness. It’s right there, above where we live and we just need to adopt that same philosophy. Help those in need, spread love and kindness, and give hope where we can. We’re all brothers and sisters to the land Mother Nature gave us, so why do draw lines on a map dividing each other?
  21. Crazy Rich Asians
    • For the light hearted who want nothing but hilarity and couture mixed with of course much needed old school Chinese tradition.

Sometime during age 27 I stopped feeling invincible

In the past year, I entered my “late twenties” and I felt this shift in my mentality.
During my late teenage years, I was still holding onto something that made me feel like superwoman similar to Clark Kent. Invincible to illness, superhuman powers that kept me from dying normal human deaths and so on…

“I can do anything”- Is this the dubbed millennial disease our baby boomer parents unintentionally conditioned my cohorts into believing? We’re raised to believe we had the power to achieve anything we set our mind to. We could enjoy life, eat that gold leafed cake, and realize ultimate work life balance.

And so from that conditioned philosophy of invincibility, I thought death was a foreign intangible far-off land until the past year it hit me like an anvil slamming from overhead.

The shift was slow but insidious. I  noticed not “saving” expensive things anymore so not to exhaust its use. For example, not always bringing out the expensive Louie I had in a cloth bag, not always wearing that Cartier my dad bought as a last gift to his baby girl before she entered true adulthood, and not spending money on things I wanted because those meaningless digits in my bank account needed to be there to remind me of my hard work and where it needs to be invested for a decent future.

Another small and almost forgettable thing I did this morning was use this nail polish I loved but hardly let breath. It has this beautiful iridescent shimmer I vowed to only use on “special occasions.” But what stemmed this fear of having to “save” things so not to use them up? Why was I saving them as though I believed like time, I’ll be around forever?

The sad part is, this past year, I unconsciously made moves as though I wouldn’t. The Louie has seen more action than it did all the previous years combined. The shimmering nail polish that sat in a basket has been brushed over and over on my nail beds.

Somehow in my subconscious, I started to treat myself better. Stopped saving for that rainy day because I’m not invincible and some unfortunate event could cause me to not see this rainy day. I worked hard for the “fun coupons” to purchase these commodities. The best way to treat myself is to use it. I’m not invincible and certainly don’t feel it anymore. The magic dust all feathered away and I need to feel better about living everything to its fullest. That means finishing the bottle of nail polish, bringing Louie to casual events, and wearing my Cartier proud.

Swamp Girl

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll reek less of the stench

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll do everything to wash out the mess

I’ll walk like you, talk like you
Do everything just to be like you

Take me out of the swamp
No one will know where I’m from

I’m ashamed I was born of the swamp
But the swamp is my home

I used to think you were my forever

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine

There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered

Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together

You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water

Forever
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond

But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist

It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water

My 5 Year Plan

So imagine grabbing a latte with an old acquaintance. Almost always, this is how the conversation starts out:

What have you been up to?

How is your relationship going?

How’s work?

These common 3 “small-talk” ice breakers are everything I dread about going out to see a friend I haven’t connected with in a few months.

The next question I absolutely resent people for even bringing up is, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

The younger me (okay so last year) would have mouthed off something to my interrogator and stood up on a soap box preaching the futility behind this inquiry. Partially for the below reasons:

  1. There’s science behind those who talk too much about their goals and never achieving it. So it’s better to keep tightlipped until the deed has been done. What’s the awesome term for this? Oh yes, hubris.
  2. Most people use this to evaluate what my priorities are. If I’m on a date for example, and I say I’d like to become director in the next 5 years, the other person would assume I’m too career focused. If I say, marriage, they probably would have bolted for their car on our first date.
  3. A real goal feels too intimate to share with anyone. I rather not have my secret hopes and dreams passed on, then having them tell their cohorts, thus creating our entire social circle focusing on my foreseeable future at tea time.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

So here’s my 5 year plan. The goals I hope to achieve that aren’t wasted on defining who I am by who I will be bound to, or what desk I’ll be chained to, or which professional title to brand me for the new few years. My goals in life transcend beyond the mundane.

Year 1: Fill my brain with beautiful stories – as many books as I can possibly read

Year 2: Master flexibility outside the physical entity of my being

Year 3: Understand the value of success is more than the digits in my bank account

Year 4: Observe and indulge in other cultures. Distance away from the routine provides fresh perspective

Year 5: Persevere through all things that pass through my way and continue spreading positivity

This is what I want to discover in the next 5 years. Career or love life… they’re just small percentages of our daily life and yet we attribute way too much in both. There’s more to our existence than how we make our fun coupons and who we choose to spend it with.

Fkc Instagram. Here’s the real milestones I’ve hit.

Year 1, I give up something very precious and dear to me

Year 2, Doctors find abnormal cells in my body leading them to consider precancerous cells in my body

Year 3, the family house I grow up in catches fire

Year 3.5, my first long term boyfriend and I break up

Year 4, I give up eating red meat and chicken from fear of the food industry and getting hit with the worst food poisoning to date

Year 4.5, I give up alcohol after something I did that I fully regretted.

Social media highlights all the most precious moments in our lives but we forget to remember the bad. I guess it just gets too real and ugly for everyone to digest if I post these things. No one wants sadness painted on their feed so I’ll keep it real here.

Last summer, though I’ve suffered a tremendous loss, I realized my perseverance to be unwavering and everlasting. I handled what I could and remembered that this life that I call mine will always throw curveballs at me. It’s when these unfortunate events happen, that I assume power over the situation. If you asked me four years ago how I’d handle my house burning down on a random given day, how I’d handle finding out I would need to do biannual check ups until I clear these cells, how I’d bounce back from a 2 year break up– I would’ve failed to give you the details of my strength today.

The captain of the firefighting squad that day was surprised at my nonchalance. And, all I could say was, these things happen.

The Obstacle is the way right, Ryan? (Read it, it teaches us Stoicism and how people conquered their problems instead of retreating)

If I can’t pull through all of this, how am I ever going to overcome everything else tossed my way in the years to come? Life only gets harder, which means these curveballs will come at me faster. Everything is practice. Each step with these milestones only force me to lift harder, pedal faster, and rise higher.

Life.

Here’s looking to you. I’ll endure what news you’ll bring me just as I’ve endured these past four years.

You have more strength than you think you do. Believe in that. When life zips by and slams you down on the cement, you’ll always find something nearby to help you up. A rail… a kind human being holding out their hands… and if all those cease to exist, you have yourself to push off that gravel and keep going.

 

She left and I lost my home.

It hurt so much it felt like all the air was vacuumed out of my lungs.
The slightest movement a struggle.
Tears poured like hurricane as my eyes lost vision during the drive home.

Home…
What a foreign concept when love slowly eludes us.

“Home is where the heart is” they said.

So, where is home now?

My stomach had a nervous pit.
My hands shaking with anxiety.
Head spinning with fear that it was all one-sided.
All at once, it hit me.

It was one-sided.

She’ll never love me the way I loved her. I never once walked out on her, but it was so easy for her to pack up her things and walk away.

My breath of fresh air had been contaminated with her greed for the allure of others. She wanted more, and that honest truth left me feeling worthless. I couldn’t give her what she wanted because she’ll always be chasing butterflies where the grass is greener.