What going on a ‘Break’ really means

The fights get worse and the screaming grows louder.

I’m crying in a matter of seconds with flailing arms.

You move away and sit opposite side of the couch from me.

There’s no love left at this point, just two egos battling to see who can win.

I suggest a break, hoping you’d fight for me.

You reply, ‘Yeah’ with no hesitation.

Minutes flash by quicker than blinking, and you’ve already packed up your things.

My heart’s crying silently, internally begging you to stop.

The door opens and you leave me behind.

I sit hugging my knees, soaking tears into my jeans.

After a mind numbing eternity, I wrap up my heart and hide it away,

knowing full well this break means the end.

The word ‘break’ was just a softer blow than ‘break up’.

Because you aren’t coming back.

 

Fast Love

I thought it was okay for us to act so juvenile.
I thought it’s what people starting out in relationships do.

Puppy love starts out great and giddy.
First and second dates turn from bashful to exciting.
Casual dating grows quickly to mutually exclusive.

If we were both chasing love and happiness,
then the goals were clear.
No matter how many differences, we’d get there somehow.
Because the sex was animal.
The lust was ravenous.

But alas, like oil and water. You can mix and mix and mix.
Go as fast at it and as hard at it you want in the beginning,
In a matter of a short while though, the two always separate.

Because fast love isn’t real.
They’re out as quickly as they came in.
Leaving you still pulling up a bra strap, when they’ve already called a cab.

 

What Forgetting You is Like

Forgetting you is like rolling down the window driving on the coast and not smelling the musky salt water.
Forgetting you is like tapping on the table with my fingers and not hearing a sound,
it’s biting into an apple and not having a memorable sweetness explode on my tastebuds.

Forgetting you is like waking up and not seeing sunlight bleed through my curtains,
it’s touching cotton without feeling the soft warmth of a coat in an autumn night.

Forgetting you is forcing myself to forget the 5 senses. If I can smell, hear, taste, see and feel – you are there.

The way your scent is everywhere on my pillows and old jackets.
The way your old records are sitting on my shelf giving me a glimpse back into our old life when you’d take my hand and swing my body around to the tunes.
The way your silent breathing through the night calms me and helps me sleep.
The way your body felt in the morning when I climbed closer to steal your warmth.
The way your tongue tasted minty and aged after you’ve brushed your teeth from drinking whiskey all night.

Even when you aren’t here, all my memory stayed.

Forgetting you is like holding onto what’s familiar,
It’s expecting what was there to always be there.

My five senses will always hold you in memory, even when you aren’t here.

adult affection bed closeness
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Untitled Heartbreak

I cried a lot today
There’s pain I haven’t dealt with
Pain I’m unwilling to forget

but why?
Do I just like to feel hurt or is there a deeper root cause to why I always lack trust in others?

eyes hurt
heart shattered
and here I am lighting one up
standing alone in the dark
drenched in a cold loneliness where I feel safe

because no one can see my pain.
my defeat.

I’m embarrassed that I carry my head held high
yet deep inside, I’m just the same little girl.

Scared,
Defeated,

Shivering with self-hatred,
that the one who can’t love properly isn’t him, but me.

What we’re like to be in pain

It is so easy to feel bad for yourself
To wallow in self pity about everything that is wrong in your life and blame external factors for it

To feel as though an injustice was placed on you,
and you yourself is singled out to be worse off than everyone else.

It is so easy isn’t it ?
To listen to sad music and relate to the heartbreaking vocals
To sit outside watching rainfall while you light one up
To ponder at the same sky we all do and ask, “why me?”

When we’re at our worst, nothing feels better but hurting ourselves further
Testing our pain threshold more
Gauge how much more we can take.
Marinate in pain and sorrow.
Feeling sorry for ourselves.

It’s so wrong but feels so right to hurt

If I’m already in pain, what’s a little more ?

Read More. Believe More – Here’s my 2019 list of greats I will read.

Is it so terribly wrong that I’m already starting my reading list for 2019 when I’m still behind on finishing the last two for this year?

I got so excited with the list I have that I’ve just been researching, researching until I fell into this rabbit hole of anecdotal discovery.

  1. The Lessons of History 
    • What are the possibilities of humanity? Where did it start and where does the potential go? Questions I believe we should all ponder as we look to past generations and hope for new.
  2. The Sun and Her Flowers – Rupi Kaur
    • I received this for Christmas and finished it before the clock struck twelve on the 26th. It’s a great follow up novel to Milk & Honey. If you love soft poetry colored with beautiful personification, grab it off the shelf and read it to your beloved.
  3. Laws of Human Nature
    • Robert Greene’s latest that I aim to finish right ater art of seduction
  4. The Art of Seduction
    • a classic Robert Greene providing historical figure’s tools and devices in realizing charm
  5. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind
    • If you haven’t heard about this book, you haven’t been in the literary world recently. Praised by Captain America himself, Chris Evans shared that we must all understand our roots and how it lead our people (all people) to where we are today. I haven’t finished this just yet but I do want to share, this is what our grade school teachers should have taught in history class.
  6. The Decaying Pillars by Steve Ruygrok
    • I know a published author! Proud to be a coworker of his, Steve Ruygrok dropped of this book for me to read before beta reading his next novel.
  7. Herstory: 50 Women and Girls who shook up the world
    • Women lead. Women breathe life. Women are just as important as the men we remember from history. So why aren’t they on a pedestal as much as the great men? Let’s honor the women who long ago have broken the glass ceiling before Sheryl Sandberg.
  8. East of Eden
    • This is a hefty read but who doesn’t love a John Steinbeck classic?
  9. #GirlBoss
    • Sophia Amoruso is a special kind of person. She breaks all the rules and rebels with every bone in her body. I idolize her intrinsic nature to lead, mix personal style with passion and drive to help other women strive for what they deem as success.
  10. The Golden Compass
    • This is a must purely because I received the collection (#11, #12 below as well) as a christmas gift more than 2 years ago now.
  11. The Subtle Knife
  12. The Amber SpyGlass
  13. An absent mind
    • alzheimer’s touches me deeply with it taken my grandfather not long ago. This story follows a man’s struggle with the disease and the effect to his family in the final days.
  14. Getting to Know Gen Z .pdf
    • I feel old when Gen Z is the major topic of discussion and no longer the “entitled” millennials. I will say after finishing this PDF earlier this month, it made me realize the affects my parents had in raising me with a “can do” attitude and how it lead my generation to come off as “entitled.” Gen Z is the safer generation learning from the failures of mine and reaching further than my cohorts did in fighting for their beliefs. Not just racial, gender, and sexual orientation equality but also a long winded battle for environmental conservation, social imprint in bringing people together and much more. They have a louder voice than we did and it makes me so happy, we’re all leaning in and learning from generations younger than ourselves.
  15. The Autobiography of Malcom X
    • this was a recommendation and I honestly haven’t researched much.
  16. Michelle Obama’s Becoming
    • Top seller towards end of 2018, Michelle Obama is a powerhouse but continues to spread kindness.
  17. The Power by Naomi Alderman
    • What would happen if young women had superpowers balancing the status quo between genders? Will there be a shift in the superior gender juxtaposed to what it is now IRL? I’m curious to read
  18. On Writing by Stephen King
  19. Unlimited Memory: How to Use Advanced Learning Strategies to Learn Faster, Remember More and be More Productive

  20. The Day the World Came to Town
    • Come from Away, the Tony award winning musical guided me to understanding what I could not comprehend at age 11 when 9/11 had happened. I was 4 years into arriving on American soil, still picking up the English language when my 6th grade teacher made us all stand staring at the TV showing the planes flying into the Twin Towers. The Day the World Came to Town is a tribute to the kindness in others when the US needed it the most. Newfies (the locals in Newfoundland) took in the stranded for 5 days and showed a kindness I never thought could exist. We all think of how crude this world can be, but here was a pocket of land where people only shared kindness. It’s right there, above where we live and we just need to adopt that same philosophy. Help those in need, spread love and kindness, and give hope where we can. We’re all brothers and sisters to the land Mother Nature gave us, so why do draw lines on a map dividing each other?
  21. Crazy Rich Asians
    • For the light hearted who want nothing but hilarity and couture mixed with of course much needed old school Chinese tradition.

Swamp Girl

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll reek less of the stench

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll do everything to wash out the mess

I’ll walk like you, talk like you
Do everything just to be like you

Take me out of the swamp
No one will know where I’m from

I’m ashamed I was born of the swamp
But the swamp is my home

I used to think you were my forever

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine

There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered

Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together

You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water

Forever
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond

But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist

It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water