This is what falling for you feels like

My heart’s never pounded so fast,

nor has it ever felt this empty.

My tongue’s never tasted so dry,

nor has it been so thirsty for another.

My head’s never been so tormented,

nor have I ever thought I’d be so happy with being so smitten.

This conundrum I have is both liberating and suffocating.

This is how I endure puppy love.

The silly moments where I am lost in lust

but found in love.

 

“but some part of it will always not feel right”

I was trying to explain to her what she could not grasp.

I wasn’t unhappy in my relationship by any means, maybe just stuck in a conundrum.

“It’s like there’s a bottle and a cap, and no matter how I try to screw on the cap, it doesn’t seem to fit perfectly –

It still functions as a bottle in that the cap screws on and nothing will spill out nor would anything fall in. The bottle still works, but some part of it will always not feel right.”

That was the best way for me to explain my conundrum.

PRICK

He leaves a thorn in my sides as each passing day goes by that we are together.

Toxic relationships grow and grow. The thorns prick my skin one by one; day by day until there’s no surface left to puncture me. He’s taken all of me.

So when the time finally comes, and I’ve mustered enough bravery to leave and let it all go, it takes one day at a time to pluck out each thorn he’s left in me.

The recovery is painful, they say. The recovery is hard.

And as each day I pull with might, I feel the twinge of throbbing memories being yanked out. The petals glisten and cheer.

The buds start to say, it’s one step closer to leaving it behind. Thorns no longer impaling my emptiness but piling up on the ground where I left the rest of that darkness.

 

What If It’s Not For Me?

Two years ago, I went to this magical made into reality wedding in Upstate New York. It was as though the entire place was plucked out of a Pinterest board.

The setting: acres and acres of hidden beauty somewhere in the estates with cottages and housing for all the guests. The reception was held inside a barn with a live band and lights strung from high ceilings. Though it was a rainy day, the barn was lit up as if fireflies were dancing alongside each of us celebrating the newlyweds.

This was happily ever after.

This was a fairy tale coming true right before my very eyes.

The atmosphere flooded with love as every patron and family member smiled, danced and drank in the festivities.

I remember glancing past my scenery hoping one day, I would wake up and slip into a gown on my special day, almost as unimaginably wonderful as that weekend I had spent.

Today, a friend sent me a wedding video that collected every memorable moment from a newlywed’s wedding day.

As the music chimed and the carefully stitched scenes flowed from the bride getting ready to the groom awaiting her in the church, I felt disgust filling up from my toes to my stomach as it churned, churned, churned.

The frames sailed by on the computer screen as my stomach felt waves of uncomfort. I wanted to vomit at my desk. Heaving with dizziness, instantly I stopped the video and turned away.

Anxiety pricked my head with thoughts.

“What if this isn’t for me?? How could watching this couple get married make me want to regurgitate everything I had that day? Where’s the nausea rising from?”

In that moment, I felt terrified of marriage. Not for the lack of commitment but fear of being so utterly happy that it could be stripped away any second.

Truth is, I’m afraid of being happy. The opportunity cost of it is pain, and sure enough, it’ll come full circle.  Because after all to have something ignites the beginning of its loss.

When I Blinked, You Were Gone Again

I was an optimistic fool each time I fell in love with you…thinking this time now that we’re older, it’ll be different.

Telling myself, this time I’m not just a convenience. You’re back in my life again because you wanted us back together.

Tricking my mind to believing this time you’ll actually stay.

Optimistic fool was right because when I blinked, you were gone again.

 

Stay

He told me, stay.

My heart tugged on those 4 letters but my head pricked my skin with goosebumps because I knew like the sun and tornadoes, his warmth will wrap me up until I fall before he takes its all away.

Like waves and tsunami, he’ll cleanse me of my worries, hug my feet as they tiptoe on the sand before his love crashes and strips away my sanity.