What we’re like to be in pain

It is so easy to feel bad for yourself
To wallow in self pity about everything that is wrong in your life and blame external factors for it

To feel as though an injustice was placed on you,
and you yourself is singled out to be worse off than everyone else.

It is so easy isn’t it ?
To listen to sad music and relate to the heartbreaking vocals
To sit outside watching rainfall while you light one up
To ponder at the same sky we all do and ask, “why me?”

When we’re at our worst, nothing feels better but hurting ourselves further
Testing our pain threshold more
Gauge how much more we can take.
Marinate in pain and sorrow.
Feeling sorry for ourselves.

It’s so wrong but feels so right to hurt

If I’m already in pain, what’s a little more ?

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We’re all at fault, stop blaming others

Humans drew arbitrary lines dividing ourselves from our brothers and sisters.

Humans created a cancer pillaging Mother Nature by bulldozing down her gifts.

Humans made the poor shrivel while the rich bloat.

History then repeats though we foolishly instruct ourselves to learn from our grandfather’s mistakes.

We created the mess with our global climate crisis, then turn the other cheek hoping someone else will fix it.

We blame the government for not sharing, caring, and educating us properly. The same government we elected.

We choose selfishness instead of global community, then accuse everyone else for the atrocity happening around the world.

We forget every small change helps, it just needs to start with each of us. 

Even if it’s changing once a week to switch to a vegetarian diet so to give our environment a relief.

Even if it’s remembering to conserve energy whenever we can. (Guess what, you’ll save on electricity bill too!)

Even if it’s helping a stranger when you remember, so to pay it forward and spread kindness.

We are one small speck in this universe but we can spread wellness and make it better.

 

Read More. Believe More – Here’s my 2019 list of greats I will read.

Is it so terribly wrong that I’m already starting my reading list for 2019 when I’m still behind on finishing the last two for this year?

I got so excited with the list I have that I’ve just been researching, researching until I fell into this rabbit hole of anecdotal discovery.

  1. The Lessons of History 
    • What are the possibilities of humanity? Where did it start and where does the potential go? Questions I believe we should all ponder as we look to past generations and hope for new.
  2. The Sun and Her Flowers – Rupi Kaur
    • I received this for Christmas and finished it before the clock struck twelve on the 26th. It’s a great follow up novel to Milk & Honey. If you love soft poetry colored with beautiful personification, grab it off the shelf and read it to your beloved.
  3. Laws of Human Nature
    • Robert Greene’s latest that I aim to finish right ater art of seduction
  4. The Art of Seduction
    • a classic Robert Greene providing historical figure’s tools and devices in realizing charm
  5. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind
    • If you haven’t heard about this book, you haven’t been in the literary world recently. Praised by Captain America himself, Chris Evans shared that we must all understand our roots and how it lead our people (all people) to where we are today. I haven’t finished this just yet but I do want to share, this is what our grade school teachers should have taught in history class.
  6. The Decaying Pillars by Steve Ruygrok
    • I know a published author! Proud to be a coworker of his, Steve Ruygrok dropped of this book for me to read before beta reading his next novel.
  7. Herstory: 50 Women and Girls who shook up the world
    • Women lead. Women breathe life. Women are just as important as the men we remember from history. So why aren’t they on a pedestal as much as the great men? Let’s honor the women who long ago have broken the glass ceiling before Sheryl Sandberg.
  8. East of Eden
    • This is a hefty read but who doesn’t love a John Steinbeck classic?
  9. #GirlBoss
    • Sophia Amoruso is a special kind of person. She breaks all the rules and rebels with every bone in her body. I idolize her intrinsic nature to lead, mix personal style with passion and drive to help other women strive for what they deem as success.
  10. The Golden Compass
    • This is a must purely because I received the collection (#11, #12 below as well) as a christmas gift more than 2 years ago now.
  11. The Subtle Knife
  12. The Amber SpyGlass
  13. An absent mind
    • alzheimer’s touches me deeply with it taken my grandfather not long ago. This story follows a man’s struggle with the disease and the effect to his family in the final days.
  14. Getting to Know Gen Z .pdf
    • I feel old when Gen Z is the major topic of discussion and no longer the “entitled” millennials. I will say after finishing this PDF earlier this month, it made me realize the affects my parents had in raising me with a “can do” attitude and how it lead my generation to come off as “entitled.” Gen Z is the safer generation learning from the failures of mine and reaching further than my cohorts did in fighting for their beliefs. Not just racial, gender, and sexual orientation equality but also a long winded battle for environmental conservation, social imprint in bringing people together and much more. They have a louder voice than we did and it makes me so happy, we’re all leaning in and learning from generations younger than ourselves.
  15. The Autobiography of Malcom X
    • this was a recommendation and I honestly haven’t researched much.
  16. Michelle Obama’s Becoming
    • Top seller towards end of 2018, Michelle Obama is a powerhouse but continues to spread kindness.
  17. The Power by Naomi Alderman
    • What would happen if young women had superpowers balancing the status quo between genders? Will there be a shift in the superior gender juxtaposed to what it is now IRL? I’m curious to read
  18. On Writing by Stephen King
  19. Unlimited Memory: How to Use Advanced Learning Strategies to Learn Faster, Remember More and be More Productive

  20. The Day the World Came to Town
    • Come from Away, the Tony award winning musical guided me to understanding what I could not comprehend at age 11 when 9/11 had happened. I was 4 years into arriving on American soil, still picking up the English language when my 6th grade teacher made us all stand staring at the TV showing the planes flying into the Twin Towers. The Day the World Came to Town is a tribute to the kindness in others when the US needed it the most. Newfies (the locals in Newfoundland) took in the stranded for 5 days and showed a kindness I never thought could exist. We all think of how crude this world can be, but here was a pocket of land where people only shared kindness. It’s right there, above where we live and we just need to adopt that same philosophy. Help those in need, spread love and kindness, and give hope where we can. We’re all brothers and sisters to the land Mother Nature gave us, so why do draw lines on a map dividing each other?
  21. Crazy Rich Asians
    • For the light hearted who want nothing but hilarity and couture mixed with of course much needed old school Chinese tradition.

Sometime during age 27 I stopped feeling invincible

In the past year, I entered my “late twenties” and I felt this shift in my mentality.
During my late teenage years, I was still holding onto something that made me feel like superwoman similar to Clark Kent. Invincible to illness, superhuman powers that kept me from dying normal human deaths and so on…

“I can do anything”- Is this the dubbed millennial disease our baby boomer parents unintentionally conditioned my cohorts into believing? We’re raised to believe we had the power to achieve anything we set our mind to. We could enjoy life, eat that gold leafed cake, and realize ultimate work life balance.

And so from that conditioned philosophy of invincibility, I thought death was a foreign intangible far-off land until the past year it hit me like an anvil slamming from overhead.

The shift was slow but insidious. I  noticed not “saving” expensive things anymore so not to exhaust its use. For example, not always bringing out the expensive Louie I had in a cloth bag, not always wearing that Cartier my dad bought as a last gift to his baby girl before she entered true adulthood, and not spending money on things I wanted because those meaningless digits in my bank account needed to be there to remind me of my hard work and where it needs to be invested for a decent future.

Another small and almost forgettable thing I did this morning was use this nail polish I loved but hardly let breath. It has this beautiful iridescent shimmer I vowed to only use on “special occasions.” But what stemmed this fear of having to “save” things so not to use them up? Why was I saving them as though I believed like time, I’ll be around forever?

The sad part is, this past year, I unconsciously made moves as though I wouldn’t. The Louie has seen more action than it did all the previous years combined. The shimmering nail polish that sat in a basket has been brushed over and over on my nail beds.

Somehow in my subconscious, I started to treat myself better. Stopped saving for that rainy day because I’m not invincible and some unfortunate event could cause me to not see this rainy day. I worked hard for the “fun coupons” to purchase these commodities. The best way to treat myself is to use it. I’m not invincible and certainly don’t feel it anymore. The magic dust all feathered away and I need to better about living everything to its fullest. That means finishing the bottle of nail polish, bringing Louie to casual events, and wearing my Cartier proud.

The first holiday of season has passed

Halloween went by faster this year than any other. It could be that as we get older we have more days to compare to so the days get shorter. When we’re younger, say only 2 days old, our whole life has only consisted of 48 hours.

Time is such a complicated and inconceivable concept. We as humans get such a minuscule fraction of it.

Alas, I wanted to share my reading list update since I really only have a few weeks left before I need to finish the necessary 12. I’ve got 3 left – wish me luck!

  • Meditation by Marcus Aurelius
    • Progress Report: arrived and ready to start once I can finally finish out the other 4 books I’ve started.
  • The 4 Hour Workweek by Tim Ferris
    • Progress Report: I’m about a quarter through my re-read and now realizing I should also keep a log of all the activities instructed by Tim. So this one’s going to take a bit to finish. More of a marathon than a sprint.
  • Milk & Honey by Rupi Kaur
    • everyone and their moms should read this one. You can finish it in half an hour, one sitting. It’s that good.
  • You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
    • Progress Report: oy, self help books like these are just so hard to get through for me but I’m working it!
  • Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
    • Progress Report: arrived! on my next task once I finish out at least 2 more
  • Wildcard by Marie Lu (out 9/18)
  • The Purple Cow by Seth Godin
  • The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
    • Progress Report: Love love love! I’m halfway through and love the blend of history with tools to utilize in daily life.
  • Bonus: We Should All Be Feminist by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
  • The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
  • Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
  • [CODENAMED] My friend is writing a Trilogy and I’m beta reading Book 1
  • All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

I was wrong about love

His lips tasted like salt water and freshly soaked wood on a rainy day. A combination that usually repulses me was like sweet nectar as I drank it in.

His hair smelled of faded cologne muddied with hair wax as he leaned over and placed his head on my right shoulder, prickling my skin with the stubble on his chin. A sensation that tickles and makes me uncomfortable felt familiar and warm.

When we kiss, it’s never as simple as a kiss. It’s twirling in euphoria and time standing still. It’s ignorance for everything around us except the moment we are frozen in.

He advances and I never pull away.

He tells me I’m beautiful, I don’t immediately think, “lie, lie, lie, lie….”

Am I blinded? Do I have my guard down? Or am I finally letting someone in?

I’m not sure if I’ve figured it out but I do know I was wrong.

I used to crave perfection. A paper perfect checklist of attributes and accomplishments. Instead, I found a man who was on a journey as much as I was. The type of man who’d walk 500 miles to fall down at your door. He sits on the floor with you when you’re drunk and crying at 11pm, 2am, & 4am even when he’s drunk himself. The perfect man doesn’t give you butterflies because he doesn’t exist. What does exist, is a man who will be your anchor as he lifts you up and tells you, you’re his Evangeline.

Swamp Girl

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll reek less of the stench

Take me out of the swamp
I’ll do everything to wash out the mess

I’ll walk like you, talk like you
Do everything just to be like you

Take me out of the swamp
No one will know where I’m from

I’m ashamed I was born of the swamp
But the swamp is my home

Confidence is not arrogance

And so I finished another book.

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes

The reason I asked for this book last Christmas was that Shonda is a great storyteller. She is adult Disney filled with dramatic twists and epic female heroes. She created the modern day Wonderwomen with Olivia Pope & Analise Keating. (I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy but I’m sure Meredith Grey is a celestial superhuman too). The book was to serve as my inspiration to be as successful and amazing as Shonda.

The first few chapters were a great background build ups to her life bubble and towards the mid section I started to feel disappointed. I thought Shonda was coming off a bit conceited. She praised her work left and right and it felt snobby she was invited to all these A list parties and rejecting her attendance. But in the later chapters, she taught me to realize that I shouldn’t be judging her own praise and success for herself. Too often we shy away from our accomplishments because we’re “afraid” of coming off cocky. But why should we? Hell, we bent sideways and backwards to get where we are with our own success and we have every right to put our hands to our waist and raise our chin above it all. We earned the right to feel good about kicking ass and taking names. As I salivated over each page in the end, I grew to appreciate her self-love more and more. Shonda taught me not to hide my strengths. Shonda gave me confidence and proved to me it’s not conceit.

I once believed I didn’t need a Year of Yes because I already did everything I wanted and went after what I desired, but her autobiography is so much more than just a journey into 18 months of saying Yes. It’s her insight to what loving yourself and the choices you make means. I’ve never related closer to someone who didn’t want marriage. She doesn’t need to justify it to anyone so why should I?

I’m so glad I finished the book during the last couple days as I’ve been on bed rest from getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I lost a couple of wisdom but gain a whole wealth of experience and knowledge through her journey.

Thank you Shonda -for the wisdom, the laughs, and opening up your life from the sacred pantry.

  • Meditation by Marcus Aurelius
    • Progress Report: arrived and ready to start once I can finally finish out the other 4 books I’ve started.
  • The 4 Hour Workweek by Tim Ferris
    • Progress Report: I’m about a quarter through my re-read and now realizing I should also keep a log of all the activities instructed by Tim. So this one’s going to take a bit to finish. More of a marathon than a sprint.
  • You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
    • Progress Report: oy, self help books like these are just so hard to get through for me but I’m working it!
  • Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
    • Progress Report: arrived! on my next task once I finish out at least 2 more
  • Wildcard by Marie Lu (out 9/18)
  • The Purple Cow by Seth Godin
  • The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
    • Progress Report: Love love love! I’m halfway through and love the blend of history with tools to utilize in daily life.
  • Bonus: We Should All Be Feminist by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
  • The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
  • Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
  • [CODENAMED] My friend is writing a Trilogy and I’m beta reading Book 1
  • All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

I used to think you were my forever

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine

There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered

Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together

You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water

Forever
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond

But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist

It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water

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