The Little Things That Screw Us Up

We have one life to live and I fucking wasted it being unhappy seventy percent of the time, lost in my own head, tormenting myself by obsessing over the flaws in my DNA.

I’ve been really negative lately on nuisances in my life and finally, someone special looked me blankly in the face and said, “You have a negative outlook on life and try to control everything even when you can’t.”

So I started thinking about all the bull I have gripes with and what to do what it.

  1. Body image self-hate: Facebook is by far your worst enemy. As we age, it’s only natural we don’t look as happy and youthful as we used to be. All the “8 years ago memories with photos of you during your best body days” are over, but I now look at it as a challenge. That person is still me, if I’ve let myself go, I can still achieve that body with strenuous workouts. This new motivation isn’t just so I can feel better for myself, but continue a new lifestyle that will put my physical health on a new trajectory.
  2. Judging others: This is one big ball of fucking exhaustive energy you shouldn’t be exerting. Physical therapists that help to alleviate stress tell their patients, “Just be a hollow bamboo, let it pass on through.” Why do we spend countless minutes of our day looking sideways at things and people that don’t please us? Does it hurt our day? No, so cut the bad habit out. This attitude doesn’t help anyone.
  3. Making up excuses for other people’s actions: Um, so how do I put this lightly without breaking a glass for you. So you know that girl who hasn’t replied back in 3 days? She’s not interested. Period. Point. Blank. It’s 2018. Everyone’s basically attached to the hip with their smart phones, so if she hasn’t responded, you’re just not a priority. Instead of realizing this, you’re sitting there over analyzing and imagining that she must be overwhelmed with work or some other bullshit time consuming activity. But the facts are really staring you in the face and you’re not willing to believe it because you’re holding on to some hopeless romantic dream. Let that shit go& move on.

Take some time out today and reflect on these three things. Victim to all of the above? Free yourself and start training every day to realize what you’re doing and slowly let go of the bars in this prison that’s holding you back from being happier.

It’s going to be hard, I know. I’m working on myself too. It’s definitely hard not to judge someone who’s outfit is all wrong but they’re doing them, so why not do you? Let it pass in 2018. You’re much better than this.


My Home Alone | A Christmas Story

I’ve lived so long lost in stories that promised happy endings. Stories that gave me a picture perfect family. Characters that showed valor and true faith in each other. Fairytales that willed me into believing my life had to fit this flawless mold.

But real people don’t get these fairytales. They get curveballs thrown at them everyday. They get dysfunctional families that tear each other part and love stories that end in anger and disappointment. But that’s okay.

Our stories are deep rooted in shaping who we are and grounded in to making us stronger as we survive every chapter of our lives.

Every single family is as dysfunctional as the next. I remember questioning why I was thrown in the worst of them yet, but after hearing people’s stories of their own troubles, I’ve come to realize we’re all the same. We go through these rite of passages that make us human and make us invincible to bullshit. Maladies hit, heartbreak wear us down, and yet each of us still wake up the next morning hoping for a better day. If it doesn’t, we just keep tricking our minds until we believe it to be true. Mind over matter each and every day until we get through it all.

  1. So what if your alone on holiday? Grab a book and dive into an adventure with Adelina in The Young Elites book series.
  2. Feeling under the weather from a nasty flu? Take the time to channel your inner strength and thank your body for the resilience it’s provided you time and time again. Our bodies are crazy wolverines. We get a cut and our skin only needs a few days to heal the wound.
  3. Missing someone in your life? Write about your feelings. If that person is still in  your life, write a note dedicated to them so they can read it when you’re reunited. They’ll feel special you’ve thought of them and you’ll know you’ve made someone’s day brighter. If this person is no longer in your life, write them a letter anyways. Read it over and realize what that person meant to you in that moment. It’s a great start to self discovery.

It’s Christmas. The first of many I’m sure that I might be spending alone as my family has started to drift apart and go their separate ways with their new families. But I’m using that time to find my independence. I’m cherishing the new found hours to write more and make peace with this tranquility.

I wish you all a happy holidays and not let fake fairytales ruin the magic of Christmas. You are what you make of it. Today? I’m enjoying an oreo milkshake in California while I remember the things I’m grateful for. I’m finally getting back into writing my book and I hope Santa visits each and every one of you granting you your deepest holiday wishes.

I’m Growing Sober

I’m growing sober or rather sober is growing on me. The past week I’ve had an episode with something I thought was a closed chapter in my life. Almost a year and a half later, I got another panic attack. Worst one yet – and it happened at my new job where the space is open concept so none of it could have been spared except for my brief 5 minutes in the bathroom until someone walked in.

Since my doctor is on mat leave and the holidays hit, I haven’t been able to see another physician to diagnose what’s really going on in my body. From the panic attack, I’m now suffering from severe abdominal pain and back aches that come in waves. This pain hasn’t subsided for over week so until I’m able to have a professional check out what’s wrong internally, I’m striving to eat healthier and cutting out the one vice I should’ve a long time ago: alcohol.

I just got back from a Friendsgiving and when offered a drink, I was happy to decline. The rejection came out of me quite easier than I expected. I guess when health hits you like a ton of bricks, nothing is more important than getting back to 100. I got home at a timely fashion and it felt good to target a healthier and cleaner living.

Tomorrow is going on Day 9 – I pray this gets better soon or at least I’ll get access to a doctor.


You’re not ready if you’re comparing him to your ex

4 months post breakup, and I’ve found the secret to evaluating whether or not you are ready to date again.

*DISCLAIMER: Post exodus from my 2 and half year relationship, I second guessed if I’ll ever trust my brain to make a right decision again. The relationship wasn’t horrible, my ex wasn’t a piece of dirt, and the breakup rated rather high in the amicable category. Yet still, it was 2.5 years of my life and there were major phases when I was unhappy. Therefore, the looming question stands:  if I gravitate towards a certain type and this is what I am attracted to, doesn’t that just mean I’ll be dating the same person over and over again?

Many people think it’ll be hard to meet new people or even find someone you like. I made that mistake of semi starting to crush on someone without realizing until it was too late that his personality, though coupled with some differences, were all red flags I had for my ex.

I pondered some more and felt that if these were the issues I couldn’t fix with my previous significant other, what confidence would I have that this man would be any different?

Dating someone similar to your ex is like being given the forbidden apple. It looks tasty, new, crisp on the outside with a hint of familiarity as though you know exactly how sweet and delicious it will be. However, would you want to go down the same road and bite into an apple knowing it’s poisonous for you?

More and more I thought, I came to the conclusion I wasn’t ready to date quite yet. I saw my ex in him no matter what. Then I started fantasizing what ifs before anything even started. In my silly imaginations, I already fought with this new guy exactly how I fought with my ex. I grew cognizant that this unhealthy comparison meant I just wasn’t ready. I needed more time to heal, and not to jump on the first thing that filled a void I had.

So, doctor’s orders: stay away from the apple. You’re not quite ready if these new prospects are just fillers for your ex.



Happy people are beautiful people but what about the rest of us ?

We’re the ones innately sad.

There are people who always look Instagram happy. I just coined that term, but I’m sure you all know what that means. You know, the type of happy that resonates perfection? The girl who travels the world, snaps a photo of her 10 out of 10 body on a sailboat in Thailand while her perfect other half has a tan like an underwear model from Miami.

So there are THOSE types of happy people, but seriously, what about the rest of us? Are we not considered “beautiful people” just because we’re not oversharing nor touching up photos for an hour before posting? What is so wrong with people like us that we do not get celebrated?

I choose to listen to sad songs because they are relatable. I choose to be introverted and not go out on a bright and early Saturday morning because I like tuning out all the bullshit in the world.

Inherently sad people are beautiful as well. We’re the ones writing compelling prose touching the hearts of many. We’re the ones crafting together masterpieces meant to be interpreted by the beholder.

Sad people are just as if not more, beautiful than happy people. So what if there’s a twinge of sadness as we go about our day?

I am totally okay being a naturally sad person because bullshit quotes about “beautiful people are happy people & vice versa” do not define us all.

I rather celebrate with a book, cuddled in a blanket, and feel the emotions evoked by characters in these stories because that’s who I am and there’s nothing wrong or ugly about that.

The kind of person you need to be with

I can be a carefree child.

A heartbroken, doe-eyed teenager.

A jaded successful professional.

With you I’m 6 and running wild with inappropriate jokes, giggling til my abs hurt and cheeks burn.

With you I’m 15 and crying about why boys don’t value my attention, listening to your wisdom til my eyes dry and frown wavers.

With you I’m 29 and distilling what it takes to break the glass ceiling, discussing goals for the future til we gulp down single malt misery that we’re losing time as it catches up faster and faster year over year.

With you I’m 6, 15, and 29.

With you I am every age of myself and every facade of who I am. You’ve peeled every layer, knocked down the sturdiest walls, and embraced every molecule that is my being.

With you is who I choose to turn 72 with. This is where I want to be, because only with you am I all these ages and more.

Loneliness in a Relationship

You made me feel like I lived a very lonely life. I felt alone most of the time- even surrounded by friends. When I was with you, there was a part of me that no longer wished to be with you. I questioned myself why at the time but didn’t understand it until now.

3 months post breakup and I’m finally getting to know myself. The person I should’ve been watching out for. In these 3 months I’ve filled it with so many great memories from traveling to the east coast to celebrate my birthday to going out more with people I rarely would ever dream of going out with.

I was itching to run, but at the time I felt so dependent on you. Maybe it wasn’t you who held me captive in the relationship but myself for not being strong enough to move on long after the ship had already sailed.

I was lonely IN our relationship because you didn’t care about me. You said you did, but your actions didn’t. All the times we were hanging out, it was on your terms. Your video games. Your VR set. Your friends because you didn’t like MY friends.

You liked to stay up late watching stupid adult cartoons, so I always went to bed alone. I woke up earlier in the day since I’m a morning person and had coffee while I read. We wouldn’t say hello until 3 hours after the fact. Then I’d be hungry for lunch but you’ve just started your day and wanted your “alone” time to smoke weed and go on reddit.

Reflecting back on the two and half years I spent with this routine, I’ve learned to never compromise my weekends again. Those four walls confined me for so long that I settled. I lost the will to go out and explore novel things. I got so used to the quiet and the same insane thing over and over again that I lost my voice to speak up because I simply just gave up.

Then I met someone. He doesn’t mean a single thing to me – I barely even know him. But we have fun. We talk about work, hobbies… interests…

….then he holds me to sleep at night.

Something you’ve never done. The excuse was always you’re not comfortable and that you wanted to sleep.

I wake up in his arms.

Something that’s never happened to us.

I wake up in his arms every time we sleep on the same bed.

How can someone so new

..already fit better than you?