What going on a ‘Break’ really means

The fights get worse and the screaming grows louder.

I’m crying in a matter of seconds with flailing arms.

You move away and sit opposite side of the couch from me.

There’s no love left at this point, just two egos battling to see who can win.

I suggest a break, hoping you’d fight for me.

You reply, ‘Yeah’ with no hesitation.

Minutes flash by quicker than blinking, and you’ve already packed up your things.

My heart’s crying silently, internally begging you to stop.

The door opens and you leave me behind.

I sit hugging my knees, soaking tears into my jeans.

After a mind numbing eternity, I wrap up my heart and hide it away,

knowing full well this break means the end.

The word ‘break’ was just a softer blow than ‘break up’.

Because you aren’t coming back.

 

What Forgetting You is Like

Forgetting you is like rolling down the window driving on the coast and not smelling the musky salt water.
Forgetting you is like tapping on the table with my fingers and not hearing a sound,
it’s biting into an apple and not having a memorable sweetness explode on my tastebuds.

Forgetting you is like waking up and not seeing sunlight bleed through my curtains,
it’s touching cotton without feeling the soft warmth of a coat in an autumn night.

Forgetting you is forcing myself to forget the 5 senses. If I can smell, hear, taste, see and feel – you are there.

The way your scent is everywhere on my pillows and old jackets.
The way your old records are sitting on my shelf giving me a glimpse back into our old life when you’d take my hand and swing my body around to the tunes.
The way your silent breathing through the night calms me and helps me sleep.
The way your body felt in the morning when I climbed closer to steal your warmth.
The way your tongue tasted minty and aged after you’ve brushed your teeth from drinking whiskey all night.

Even when you aren’t here, all my memory stayed.

Forgetting you is like holding onto what’s familiar,
It’s expecting what was there to always be there.

My five senses will always hold you in memory, even when you aren’t here.

adult affection bed closeness
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

What we’re like to be in pain

It is so easy to feel bad for yourself
To wallow in self pity about everything that is wrong in your life and blame external factors for it

To feel as though an injustice was placed on you,
and you yourself is singled out to be worse off than everyone else.

It is so easy isn’t it ?
To listen to sad music and relate to the heartbreaking vocals
To sit outside watching rainfall while you light one up
To ponder at the same sky we all do and ask, “why me?”

When we’re at our worst, nothing feels better but hurting ourselves further
Testing our pain threshold more
Gauge how much more we can take.
Marinate in pain and sorrow.
Feeling sorry for ourselves.

It’s so wrong but feels so right to hurt

If I’m already in pain, what’s a little more ?

I used to think you were my forever

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine

There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered

Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together

You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water

Forever
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond

But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist

It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water

Post Breakup Coffee & Me

Then i found myself going back to the old habits.

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling

everything went back to the way it was, except I felt emptier. Though a part of me came back and I missed the old me so much, I felt as though it wasn’t quite right anymore.

Like a chapter had been ripped out of a favorite old book.

For the longest time, I sat staring at the screen and mind numbingly passing post after post but felt nothing.

For I came back, but I lost my heart.

The breakup changed me, but it changed me for the better. I built strength in my character through the tears he made me shed. I grew wiser from the self loathing when we would fight until graveyard hours.

It’ll be a long while before I let someone in again, but I will over time. That’s the beauty of how resilient we can be when it comes to love. You’ll go back to the same routine you had with your life before you met him. Then one day, you’ll find another who’s heart beats the same rhythm. The one who’ll break down the walls and guarded heart.

Until then,

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling.

I’m back where I’ve always been. And I missed the old me so much.

 

 

So where do I begin?

I found this poem maybe 7 years ago and saved it on my computer. Sharing it to the world (:

So many thoughts,

I don’t know where to begin,

I’ll start from my heart,

and what I feel within.

I still have feelings,

which haven’t changed,

because when you left me

my life was re-arranged.

I used to cry

so many times a day,

but lately those tears

have been fading away.

I am hoping that

my brighter day soon will come,

and maybe, just maybe,

I’ll find that special someone.

Yes, it’s been hard,

but I’m getting back my life,

I’ve even managed

to put away the knife.

I will find someone

who’s right for me,

who loves me

and lets me be all I can be.

Yet the thought of you and her,

is tearing me apart,

because you will always have a special place

in my broken heart.

Do I still love you?

Yes, I do,

but another part of me

is getting over you.

I never thought I would say this,

but I simply have to confess,

with each and every day that goes by,

I love you less and less.

I just wanted to be with you,

but now you’re gone,

and the time has come

for me to move on.

You meant so much to me,

in fact, you still do,

from the bottom of my heart