Forgetting you is like rolling down the window driving on the coast and not smelling the musky salt water.
Forgetting you is like tapping on the table with my fingers and not hearing a sound,
it’s biting into an apple and not having a memorable sweetness explode on my tastebuds.
Forgetting you is like waking up and not seeing sunlight bleed through my curtains,
it’s touching cotton without feeling the soft warmth of a coat in an autumn night.
Forgetting you is forcing myself to forget the 5 senses. If I can smell, hear, taste, see and feel – you are there.
The way your scent is everywhere on my pillows and old jackets.
The way your old records are sitting on my shelf giving me a glimpse back into our old life when you’d take my hand and swing my body around to the tunes.
The way your silent breathing through the night calms me and helps me sleep.
The way your body felt in the morning when I climbed closer to steal your warmth.
The way your tongue tasted minty and aged after you’ve brushed your teeth from drinking whiskey all night.
Even when you aren’t here, all my memory stayed.
Forgetting you is like holding onto what’s familiar,
It’s expecting what was there to always be there.
My five senses will always hold you in memory, even when you aren’t here.
“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.” – Viv Albertine
There was a time when you were my here and now
I thought you were my person
Like how everyone is destined to have their own unique soul mate
The other half I saw myself in a cliche future with
Reading on a rocking chair staring out to nature when we’re old and weathered
Forever meant I would think about you every second I had to myself
Those sacred moments I invented about us together
You were the air that hugged me tight as I walked in the park
The dream I wasn’t willing to let go even as you started slipping through my fingers like when you’re trying desperately to grab onto water
That means here and now
That means tomorrow and beyond
But you’re not here
And forever doesn’t exist
It’s a romanticized fantasy
An impossible feat
Like desperately trying to grab onto water
everything went back to the way it was, except I felt emptier. Though a part of me came back and I missed the old me so much, I felt as though it wasn’t quite right anymore.
Like a chapter had been ripped out of a favorite old book.
For the longest time, I sat staring at the screen and mind numbingly passing post after post but felt nothing.
For I came back, but I lost my heart.
The breakup changed me, but it changed me for the better. I built strength in my character through the tears he made me shed. I grew wiser from the self loathing when we would fight until graveyard hours.
It’ll be a long while before I let someone in again, but I will over time. That’s the beauty of how resilient we can be when it comes to love. You’ll go back to the same routine you had with your life before you met him. Then one day, you’ll find another who’s heart beats the same rhythm. The one who’ll break down the walls and guarded heart.
I’m back where I’ve always been. And I missed the old me so much.