Post Breakup Coffee & Me

Then i found myself going back to the old habits.

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling

everything went back to the way it was, except I felt emptier. Though a part of me came back and I missed the old me so much, I felt as though it wasn’t quite right anymore.

Like a chapter had been ripped out of a favorite old book.

For the longest time, I sat staring at the screen and mind numbingly passing post after post but felt nothing.

For I came back, but I lost my heart.

The breakup changed me, but it changed me for the better. I built strength in my character through the tears he made me shed. I grew wiser from the self loathing when we would fight until graveyard hours.

It’ll be a long while before I let someone in again, but I will over time. That’s the beauty of how resilient we can be when it comes to love. You’ll go back to the same routine you had with your life before you met him. Then one day, you’ll find another who’s heart beats the same rhythm. The one who’ll break down the walls and guarded heart.

Until then,

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling.

I’m back where I’ve always been. And I missed the old me so much.

 

 

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And then I lied to myself, just as I always did

I’d lie to myself the same way I’d lie to my friends.

To make them feel better during their moments of suffering. I couldn’t assuage their grief, but I could inspire courage in them to move on…

Help them ease the pain clouding their every detrimental feelings.

So I lied to myself like I had lied to them-

“It will be better, you are strong enough to withstand this”

Even though I knew very well, it doesn’t get better. It will get worse. There will come a time where I will cry longer and harder than I have now, and that’s okay. Because I would rather be hurt, cry, and eventually move on, than live through anymore toxic days without a modicum of change.

..and I’ll keep lying to myself, till things actually get better.

The phrase, “Fake it till you make it” never felt truer.