Astroturf & the Sky

Sleep on AstroTurf in the dead of night with your two best friends
one with the hiccups
one drunk
one laughing her ass off each time the boy hiccups.

Be 27
but also 6 years old

Escape reality because your time together makes the world stop

The stars pepper the sky looking down at you from their vantage point
smiling and shining at your pure joy in each other’s company

A lot of innocence slip away as we enter our late twenties
but when you’re laying uninhibited staring into the night
A piece of your innocence revisits
bringing fondest memories of forgotten friendship and youth.

 

 

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Loving you is like opening a fridge door

I open the refrigerator door knowing there’s nothing good inside save for leftovers and uncooked groceries.

10 minutes go by and I find myself insatiable for something delicious. So I open the refrigerator door once more hoping there’s something worth eating yet knowing it’s the same as I left it the last time I opened it.

Being with you makes me feel like this damned fridge with nothing good inside. I’m hopeful that each time I open it, something will change, but nothing ever does. I can’t seem to learn and go back for more each time.

I tell myself it’s not worth it. I’ll just leave feeling frustrated and disappointed each time. But like an old habit, I’ll open that door again soon enough and see the emptiness of our relationship filled with rotten leftovers.

Alcohol Provokes not Numbs

why does our mind stray to the insecurities

the pain

the suffering

when we’re uninhibited.

“uninhibited”

what does it mean anyway? each time we learn and we know we’ll drift back to these upsetting thoughts and yet still we sip, drink and spiral to where we are once again.

contemplating what makes us happy then in self realization wondering if we ARE happy…

we know alcohol does this yet we sip, drink and spiral back to this place.

sip

chug

and next thing we know, here we are again hugging our insecurities, lying with our pain and spiraling down a path of misery.

Waiting Room

The room that gives & takes
With reflective floors sterilized clean

Worry penetrates the air
Anxiety drilled into the seats

In here, you see colorful magazines and dulled faces
In there, you fear the worst and wish for the best

These walls have collected decades of tears, screams, and prayers.
These doors have welcomed life and stripped away hope.

I can’t help but eavesdrop each time a doctor visits our area.
I can’t help but look away, promising myself to make no eye contact with anyone.

Nothing works.
Reading, playing games, watching TV.
My mind only strays and wanders.

The doctor will be here shortly
and the walls will eagerly wait to collect.

Post Breakup Coffee & Me

Then i found myself going back to the old habits.

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling

everything went back to the way it was, except I felt emptier. Though a part of me came back and I missed the old me so much, I felt as though it wasn’t quite right anymore.

Like a chapter had been ripped out of a favorite old book.

For the longest time, I sat staring at the screen and mind numbingly passing post after post but felt nothing.

For I came back, but I lost my heart.

The breakup changed me, but it changed me for the better. I built strength in my character through the tears he made me shed. I grew wiser from the self loathing when we would fight until graveyard hours.

It’ll be a long while before I let someone in again, but I will over time. That’s the beauty of how resilient we can be when it comes to love. You’ll go back to the same routine you had with your life before you met him. Then one day, you’ll find another who’s heart beats the same rhythm. The one who’ll break down the walls and guarded heart.

Until then,

coffee, black

tumblr, scrolling.

I’m back where I’ve always been. And I missed the old me so much.

 

 

And then I lied to myself, just as I always did

I’d lie to myself the same way I’d lie to my friends.

To make them feel better during their moments of suffering. I couldn’t assuage their grief, but I could inspire courage in them to move on…

Help them ease the pain clouding their every detrimental feelings.

So I lied to myself like I had lied to them-

“It will be better, you are strong enough to withstand this”

Even though I knew very well, it doesn’t get better. It will get worse. There will come a time where I will cry longer and harder than I have now, and that’s okay. Because I would rather be hurt, cry, and eventually move on, than live through anymore toxic days without a modicum of change.

..and I’ll keep lying to myself, till things actually get better.

The phrase, “Fake it till you make it” never felt truer.

 

I want to…

who wants to b reasonable.

don’t think about tomorrow.

I don’t want to b good.

I want to chase the never-ending wind, sleep in the sands and let the waves take me in. I want to drink until the landscape is a blur, run while raindrops kiss my cheeks, and forget there is a tomorrow.

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