Loneliness in a Relationship

You made me feel like I lived a very lonely life. I felt alone most of the time- even surrounded by friends. When I was with you, there was a part of me that no longer wished to be with you. I questioned myself why at the time but didn’t understand it until now.

3 months post breakup and I’m finally getting to know myself. The person I should’ve been watching out for. In these 3 months I’ve filled it with so many great memories from traveling to the east coast to celebrate my birthday to going out more with people I rarely would ever dream of going out with.

I was itching to run, but at the time I felt so dependent on you. Maybe it wasn’t you who held me captive in the relationship but myself for not being strong enough to move on long after the ship had already sailed.

I was lonely IN our relationship because you didn’t care about me. You said you did, but your actions didn’t. All the times we were hanging out, it was on your terms. Your video games. Your VR set. Your friends because you didn’t like MY friends.

You liked to stay up late watching stupid adult cartoons, so I always went to bed alone. I woke up earlier in the day since I’m a morning person and had coffee while I read. We wouldn’t say hello until 3 hours after the fact. Then I’d be hungry for lunch but you’ve just started your day and wanted your “alone” time to smoke weed and go on reddit.

Reflecting back on the two and half years I spent with this routine, I’ve learned to never compromise my weekends again. Those four walls confined me for so long that I settled. I lost the will to go out and explore novel things. I got so used to the quiet and the same insane thing over and over again that I lost my voice to speak up because I simply just gave up.

Then I met someone. He doesn’t mean a single thing to me – I barely even know him. But we have fun. We talk about work, hobbies… interests…

….then he holds me to sleep at night.

Something you’ve never done. The excuse was always you’re not comfortable and that you wanted to sleep.

I wake up in his arms.

Something that’s never happened to us.

I wake up in his arms every time we sleep on the same bed.

How can someone so new

..already fit better than you?

 

 

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When it smells like Autumn…

Lorelai Gilmore had a special gift. As soon as she smelled snow, her and her daughter Rory Gilmore would look up at the sky and almost within that instant as they peered above, snow would sift down dusting their coats and scarves.

That icon from Gilmore Girls transcended through the seasons as a bookmark if you will, that set her personality apart from others.

Lorelai is the rambunctious happy go lucky character that’s independent and fierce. I remember desiring someone like that to be in my life.

Recently, the seasons gradually changed from summer to fall and though LA still has the warm atmosphere floating around, I started to smell autumn.

It’s truly a blissful time of year and quite frankly, my favorite season.

  1. The air is cooler granting a wardrobe overhaul with cute hats, scarves and of course, boots.
  2. The color palette switches from glittering yellows and beachy blues to a warm brown and vibrant orange.
  3. Halloween decorations have kicked off in retail reminding us that soon enough Holiday Seasons is right around the corner.
  4. Cuddle weather with hot cocoa and thin mints to complement the sweetness
  5. My famous spiked apple cider to soothe our bones when it gets too chilly
  6. The nights are spent by candlelight indoors reading for the introverts
  7. and my absolute favorite reason: love. I feel an overwhelming aura of love during autumn. Maybe because my spirits are lifted from the season, but it just feels amazing.

When next year’s fall rolls around, do you think you’ll smell autumn?

Clipped Wings

We were always good friends. He would be the available 1 AM number I’d fumble with my fingers when some guy broke my heart again. I would be the morning call he made after another chick has turn out to be typical manipulative psycho. We would schedule plans to see movies after the 9 to 5 daily grind. This was us. And we worked perfectly this way.

Even when we were single, we were always just more than friends but less than lovers. This flirtationship- well it’s a totally made up word for what I have with him- was some void I filled for myself until I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into my self-deprecation. I started picking up hints of my own ugly jealousy implode when he talked about other girls. The feeling churned my insides as I ignored every sign. He soon began to appear everywhere. When I saw a character on TV with the same name, my ears perked up and my mind swarmed with thoughts of him. This is madness I’d tell myself. But I couldn’t fool anyone. I had started to see him more than just my 1AM comfort.

It was Tuesday night and the sky was lit up with sparkling Christmas lights ready for the festive season. We walked to a local pub and sat down at a small round table just for two in the center. We talked all night long until the bartender came around for last call. I loved having him during the graveyard hours. He would discuss his hopes, his future, and reflect on his damaged past while I listened and gave my slight input; fascinated with each word he spoke.

“If you could describe me as anything, what would I be?” he asked with his head resting on his left hand as he looked up at me.

I giggled, “What? Um… okay. Let me think…”

“A Pirate.” I finally answered.

He gave me a bewildered look, “Go on. Why?”

“Cause you’re always out in search of that perfect Pirate’s booty!”

We both laughed at my witty remark. I caught him tilting his head back as he chuckled at my response. Then I continued, “Okay, okay being totally serious. You are always out there looking for your ultimate prized possession; that fine piece of precious treasure that matches you perfectly. But you seem to always get off course. You end up falling prey like any other man to the sirens during your voyage. They appear through the glistening waters like gorgeous mysterious creatures, but underneath that layer of beauty, they’re nothing but vicious devils.”

He looked so intrigued at my tale. “So, what are you then?”

I took in his question with a quiet sigh. “Me…? Well, I’m just a phoenix. Rare, eccentric, once liberated but now my wings are clipped.”

“How so?” He asked me with a tired yet sincere look in his eyes.

Disregarding his sudden response, I went on with my tale, “I sit on top of that pirate’s shoulder, providing him with support and guidance. You know, like those annoying parrots do. But we’re different. I’m that rare bird you so heavily confide in. We’ll be like best pals setting sail on an adventure and braving through perilous storms together.”

I stared up to the ceiling imagining what our journey would be like. Then, I faked some bullshit weak smile at him to top the end of my fairy tale.

That night, we parted ways and as I sat in the taxi looking out at the reflection of the diamond sky paved on the car window. I gave in to a somber smile reminiscing our shared laughs.

I knew in my head that being a small supporting role in his story meant more to me than not even existent in his life at all. I felt trapped. For it seems, I could not live without this pirate anymore. He was the grin I had on my face when I drank my morning coffee remembering how caffeine doesn’t faze him. He’s become the glow I have anticipating all day long at work of our dinners on Tuesday nights.

Yeah, I felt trapped even though I was just a small character in his life.

These clipped wings will be the death of me, but it’s worth every single wave I ride along.

9.17.2017 I’m Back

I’m starting to think my blog needs an overhaul and tons and tons of TLC… truth be told I’m not a great designer so this might be a long journey.

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These days, I’m treating myself better now that I’m 2 months post-breakup and soaring new sights with these unclipped wings.

I recently finished out the Young Elites trilogy by Marie Lu., which motivated me to really want to start writing again. I want to take a moment and praise Lu’s character arc for Adelina. It was so raw and powerful to see the transformation. Without spilling too much, Adelina is the human we all are. There are times we’re filled with rage and no sense of logic can block the warpath were on, and at other times we put on the brave face and wear strength on our sleeves even though we’re dying a miserable death on the inside. Adelina portrays the emotions we’ve all had growing up, especially when faced with sudden betrayal. I love that she is someone you hate and love. She is a hero and a villain in her own right. It’s a beautiful piece and a quick read because you’ll find it hard to put down! (For those who’ve already read this series, I’ve started on Warcross and so far it’s out of this world ~literally~) 

So from there, I want to start treating my blog as a second job and go after my dreams: create stories and characters that are multiple facades of who I am. Then share it here to inspire others or just provide those with a curiosity for my narratives a decent read.

It took me months after scoring my double pirouette to be steady with a triple and just like ballet training, if I keep writing every day, I’ll get better. I’ll feel better. And I’ll have the confidence to share my short stories.

First one up? Check out the link to Unclipped Wings. It’s a short story I wrote in 2013. Stay tuned bloggers! 🙂

 

 

Why Snapchat Is Still My Favorite Platform

In 2005*, Myspace was life. It was politics at age 15 where we played switcheroo everyday after school online reordering who our new top 8 was for the day. It made new best friends, wrecked relationships, and punched a whole lot of passive aggression during my adolescence.

In 2006, Facebook was everything. It was the hip, new, modern platform we all eagerly joined. We were told, “all the college kids are on it,” so naturally the teen population transitioned on to greener pastures from Myspace. It allowed us to share comments, add friends, view pictures and historically archive basically everything. It was the toxic addiction for us. We used it as a way to overly share and gloat about our daily lives and new friendships.

In 2011, picturesque social platform Instagram joined the lineup and threw competition at friends and family. Share pictures-add a filter-get likes. Somehow, somewhere down the line, it became a shower of other people’s accomplishments that I could no longer stomach. It gave me unrealistic deadlines for my own life. The likes feature also made me feel awful when the instant gratification just didn’t deliver to my expectations.

Then, in 2014, Snapchat found me and rescued me from it all. It allowed me to share my day to friends without the fear that everything will be discoverable in the future. I wanted to share my life, but I loved that Snapchat only allowed me to share for 24 hours before it’s gone. No more stalkers, no more haters.

The filters gave me silly new identities that created freshness in this new age of social media. I loved stepping outside my comfort zone and being truly silly with the various filters to play with. Snapchat doesn’t aggregate my likes for everyone to see, it doesn’t throw up numbers for the public to know how many followers I have or don’t have, and it doesn’t send me notifications that my videos has been viewed xxx times. I’m already antsy about getting texts back from specific people in my life, I don’t need a useless notifications about where I rank in view count.

Snapchat leaves us alone to truly appreciate the platform for what it is. A medium to connect me to all my friends without fear, competition, and anxiety.

Snapchat is still my favorite platform despite all the speculations from Adweek on how each service is performing. Snapchat offers introverts what the others can’t: stress free peace with a touch of humor to keep the day going.

*Timeline does not reflect the start of these platforms. They’re representative of when I created my accounts.

The new love trend: Love Bombing

Back in my first couple years post college, I would literally not have anything to do at work and constantly end up falling back to Elite Daily. Now? Given my busy 11 hour work schedule, I get ED newsletter subscriptions curated to select the top articles for that week.

This week, in particular, a post really carved in my stomach and pulled out my gut.

Love Bombing– the new love trend. So first there was ghosting, then breadcrumbing (seriously WTF?) and now there’s LOVE BOMBING. So what the living hell is this?

Taken from Elite Daily: Love bombing is a form of romantic manipulation in which your partner showers you with love from the get-go, only to have things go south fast, according to the New York Post.

Psychiatrist Dale Archer explained in a Psychology Today post that this happens when someone tries to win your affection by showering you with “love, attention, presents and promises about the future.”

Why the sudden urge to punch myself in the throat?

Well, I never knew there was a term for the same cycle I fall into with well, almost every person I think I’m falling for.

They always over-promise, under deliver.

They always shower with so much attention you’re about to drown in their TLC, like it’s waterfall. (yes I went there)

Based on the extended article from Psychology Today, it seems the love bomber is an insecure manipulator that just wants to make themselves seem like a great catch.

First, wow. What a reality check for me.

Second, dear god. This is the REAL fuck boy!! Fuckboys get so much hate for barely texting back, flaking, cute man buns, grungy beards, and massive flirting but at least they don’t swear by a future with you 3 minutes after meeting you and tell you you’re the one.

Lesson learned. Stay the F away from Love Bombers and take things slower…

Shit, can’t tell which one is easier to work on between the two.

Kylie Jenner Made Me Do It

Before you jump into thinking I got massive lip injections and painted a perfectly contoured face, PAUSE. She’s more than just her flawless figure. Let’s take a step back and talk about her E! episodes on Snapchat.

As much hate as that girl’s got laying around, she sure knows how to kick it in the dust and promote positivity. In the most recent episode I found myself attached, watching her and two of her friends sharing the notion to not complain for 24 hours or rather begrudgingly try to not complain.

I took it upon myself to test out the joy and peacefulness my day would be like if I did not complain all day. I radiated sunshine, unicorns, and butterflies and even encouraged one of my best friends to embark on this 24 hour journey with me. I ostracized negativity spewed by my coworkers, and removed myself from any situation that would irritate me.

The outcome?

Hmmm, let’s say, I would basically never do it again. The entire day, I felt like I had bottled up anger from trying not to release all the little things that bothered me. Sorry, but I’m human. It feels cathartic and amazing to cuss and bitch about things. I can’t simply fall into the whole “zen” and “kumbaya” thing and magically find myself amazingly balanced with life. You know what balance is? Putting up with bullshit and being able to vent about it for 2 minutes. That’s balance.

The 24 hour journey left me feeling cheated. Like I tortured myself to be something I’m not. I am flawed human being with a great life that occasionally has some curve balls thrown at it.

No thanks Kylie. I’ll stick to your nude lip suggestions.