What If It’s Not For Me?

Two years ago, I went to this magical made into reality wedding in Upstate New York. It was as though the entire place was plucked out of a Pinterest board.

The setting: acres and acres of hidden beauty somewhere in the estates with cottages and housing for all the guests. The reception was held inside a barn with a live band and lights strung from high ceilings. Though it was a rainy day, the barn was lit up as if fireflies were dancing alongside each of us celebrating the newlyweds.

This was happily ever after.

This was a fairy tale coming true right before my very eyes.

The atmosphere flooded with love as every patron and family member smiled, danced and drank in the festivities.

I remember glancing past my scenery hoping one day, I would wake up and slip into a gown on my special day, almost as unimaginably wonderful as that weekend I had spent.

Today, a friend sent me a wedding video that collected every memorable moment from a newlywed’s wedding day.

As the music chimed and the carefully stitched scenes flowed from the bride getting ready to the groom awaiting her in the church, I felt disgust filling up from my toes to my stomach as it churned, churned, churned.

The frames sailed by on the computer screen as my stomach felt waves of uncomfort. I wanted to vomit at my desk. Heaving with dizziness, instantly I stopped the video and turned away.

Anxiety pricked my head with thoughts.

“What if this isn’t for me?? How could watching this couple get married make me want to regurgitate everything I had that day? Where’s the nausea rising from?”

In that moment, I felt terrified of marriage. Not for the lack of commitment but fear of being so utterly happy that it could be stripped away any second.

Truth is, I’m afraid of being happy. The opportunity cost of it is pain, and sure enough, it’ll come full circle.  Because after all to have something ignites the beginning of its loss.

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